I have cable and it is great. I don't mean to brag and rub it in your face if you are one of the unfortunate people that don't have this amazing time waster. I really enjoy it, and I love that I can watch shows that I can learn from. That show scientific discoveries and a lot of interesting things that I never knew. Something that I watched recently that really had my attention was a show called Megalodon: The Monster Shark Lives. It was a documentary about a team of Marine Biologists and other types of ists that have to do with water life and whatnot. The first part of this documentary was this team talking about their research and why they think that Megalodon lives. They mentioned a boat attack and a whale that was bitten in half. Events that had just recently happened. They continued to say that they knew that Megalodon was in the area (Southern Africa), and that they planned on finding it and tagging it. The second half of the documentary was the team out in the ocean trying to lure this gigantic monster shark so that they could prove its existence. So they threw out a 5 mile slick of chum into the ocean off the coast of southern Africa and lured a crap ton of sharks to them. They were also dragging a fake beluga whale behind their ship with speakers, of some sort, making injured whale noises. After some time the sharks all disappeared, which is apparently what smaller predators do when a larger predator is about to attack because they don't want to get eaten. The ship then gets hit really hard and a girl in a shark cage tags the behemoth that hit them. They then look at the tracker and the creature is diving faster than anything they know of. They didn't get any good footage of what it was that hit them, but at the very end of the show there was a brief clip from a camera that showed an enormous shark dinosaur thing. Needless to say, I was like. Wait! What? Is that real?! That is insane! This thing is real?! Then I remembered that they said this still had no proof of what they tagged, and then my skepticism kicked in. I started to google whether or not it was real footage at the end of the show. Then there were a lot of forums talking about how the entire documentary was a hoax, and just for entertainment. People mentioned that they had googled the marine biologists from the documentary and the events that were referenced in it. Neither the people nor the events could be found. So I started to do some research, and I too couldn't find anything on the biologists or the events that had just been passed to me as fact. Needless to say I was pretty angry that they the Discovery Channel would put something on tv that was complete crap.
This makes me wonder about the validity of anything that I watch on tv that is "educational". I use to watch a show called Ancient Aliens, and it was definitely interesting. I started to look up information on that show as well and apparently there was information on that show that wasn't exactly accurate, but was used to make their argument seem more legitimate. It seems to happen all over tv. I shouldn't be surprised, but I assumed since their crap is televised to a large audience of people, that will just believe that it is fact because is aired on a big network and passed off as real, that it would be true.
I guess my point is that a person can't really assume something is true until they absolutely know for certain, because people will definitely take advantage of you. Especially if they can exploit your emotions. For example, people like healers and psychics. They make a living off of exploiting people who are emotionally compromised or just completely gullible. It is a terrible thing, and when I say you can't believe anything is true until you absolutely know I literally mean everything. I can't know anything for certain unless I have experienced it first hand and have a complete understanding of it. There are very few things that I know as absolute, and those things are very basic. Like if I stay up late I will be tired, and if someone just takes a dump in the bathroom you shouldn't go in there for at least 10-15 minutes. Beyond things like that I don't think I will ever actually know what is true and what isn't. If I am not a person that performed an experiment, then I can't say whether or not the experiment is accurate because I have no proof of what was actually done or what the results really were. I just have a person's word coupled with their alleged findings. My advice is that you should never take anything for face value. If someone tells you something don't go and tell someone else what you were just told until you are 100% certain that it is true. If you see something unbelievable on tv don't believe it. There is always the possibility that something is true, but there is never certainty. The other difficult part about this is that even when you think you are 100% certain you might not be. You can't really even trust your brain all of the time, because it doesn't collect all of the data that it is receiving and is very easily deceived because of that. I guess what I really am trying to say is that nothing is real. How do I know that I am not in the matrix right now, or that I am not in some kind of life preserving pod where I live in a completely comatose state where my brain has created a reality that I accept as truth. There is no way to actually determine that. For all I know I am just a form of energy whose intelligence projects everything I see and feel when in reality there is absolutely nothing, no space and no matter, just intelligence. I could go on forever with different scenarios, but I think you get my point. There is no proof of what anything actually is. So just think about that for a while.
K bye
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
The Wolverine Review
It has been a while since I have done a review, but my boss asked me to tell him how The Wolverine was. So instead of saying "It was good", "You should go see it", or "The asian chick had a weird shaped head". I am going to give details about the movie and my opinion of the film.
Just to be clear The Wolverine was a good movie. I thoroughly enjoyed it, but I feel that typically I am pretty easy to please when it comes to movies. There are a few criteria, depending on the genre of the film, that will guarantee a successful movie in my opinion. Since this is an action movie the criteria are, in no particular order, an attractive lead female actress, a very masculine and capable lead male actor, awesome fight sequences, explosions, humor, awesome cars, a good plot twist, and additional attractive women throughout.
Here are my ratings on these criteria for this film:
| Attractive female lead: | 7ish |
| Masculine male lead: | 15 |
| Fight sequences: | 9 |
| Explosions: | 0 |
| Humor: | 8 |
| Awesome cars: | 7 |
| A good plot twist: | 8ish |
| Additional attractive women: | 3 |
| Final Score: | 57ish out of 80 |
You are now probably thinking. So it wasn't that great of a movie then? Actually it was still pretty good. If there is one thing I have learned it is that there are exceptions to everything. Yes, according to my criteria it was an ok movie, but it was a comic book movie, and you actually don't even notice the lack of explosions. In fact, I had to google whether or not there were explosions in the movie, because I couldn't remember. So, because of these extra little tidbits of information we can add 10 bonus points to the score for it being a comic book film, and since I couldn't remember the lack of explosions we will just give that area a 7 for not being disappointing. Making the actual score 74 out of 80. Now time for me to defend my scores.
The Attractive Female Lead
This was actually a pretty good way of getting a higher score. They cast a girl with a very strangely shaped head to play the girl you think is going to be the female lead in the movie. So for the first 15 minutes after you see her you are thinking "Please don't be Wolverine's love interest in this movie! Pretty please!" Then you finally find out that she isn't, and the actual love interest looks even more attractive, because you have been praying that the other girl isn't the love interest. It is kind of how some people surround themselves with unattractive people so that they will look attractive in comparison. It is actually a pretty good idea.
The Masculine Male Lead
The Masculine Male Lead
I don't even think I have to defend my score for this, but I will. Hugh Jackman is super ripped, and I have never seen so many veins popping out of a persons arm. Also, he is Hugh Jackman. As the Wolverine character, and an actor as a whole he is amazing! So he earns 15 points no questions asked.
Fight Sequences
There were freaking ninjas in this movie! Of course it gets a great score. The Japanese invented fight sequences. Before we saw Japanese cinema people were shooting revolvers and wrestling in mud. Thank you asians for teaching us the ways of good action movie fight scenes! The only problem with the fight sequences in this movie, and like most action movies, is that there weren't enough of them.
Explosions
Like I said earlier, there were no explosions in this movie, and it was still good. Only this movie could pull it off. I mean, if there were explosions that would be even better, but it was still fine without them. You didn't leave the theater thinking there should have been more explosions.
Humor
Marvel movies never really disappoint when it comes to humor. There are a few parts that stand out. One is in a commercial so I can tell you. It is when Wolverine throws a guy out of a window, and the girl is like "How did you know there was a pool" and he replies, "I didn't." The other one is in the train fight scene. I won't give that one away, but it was pretty funny. There are also just all of the funny things that Wolverine says. All in all I was happy with the humor in the film.
Awesome Cars
I really shouldn't have given such a high score for this, but I love the Audi R8. So even though there aren't really any other cool cars in this movie it still gets a 7, because I love that car.
A Good Plot Twist
You don't really see it coming. That is what I liked about it. It isn't a crazy reveal or anything, but you definitely wouldn't expect it given the information you are presented for the duration of the film. At least I didn't. If you did, then great for you.
Additional Attractive Women
There is a girl that looks a lot like Famke Janssen that works in the Sara Lee bread stored here in Orem. I think she is attractive, and I should probably consider asking her out. Why am I telling you this? Well the only additional attractive woman in this film is Famke. Well there is the blonde chick that works for the old asian dude. She is pretty hot I guess. I don't know. She didn't really stand out though. She was attractive, but she definitely was not my type. So I stand strong with the 3 out of 10 for this category.
So there you have it. All of the information you need to prepare to go to this film. Oh, and don't be an idiot when the movie ends. I can't tell you how many morons walked out of the theater once the credits started rolling. How on earth can people be so stupid? There is always going to be something after or during the credits. Even if there isn't something. Don't take the gamble. The ending credits scene nearly made me crap my pants. Now all I can think of is how on earth it is possible. So don't be a stupid moron idiot. Stay for the credits. You too will soil yourself.
UPDATE: There are actually explosions in the movie. I am just a total idiot and some how forgot about them.
Fight Sequences
There were freaking ninjas in this movie! Of course it gets a great score. The Japanese invented fight sequences. Before we saw Japanese cinema people were shooting revolvers and wrestling in mud. Thank you asians for teaching us the ways of good action movie fight scenes! The only problem with the fight sequences in this movie, and like most action movies, is that there weren't enough of them.
Explosions
Like I said earlier, there were no explosions in this movie, and it was still good. Only this movie could pull it off. I mean, if there were explosions that would be even better, but it was still fine without them. You didn't leave the theater thinking there should have been more explosions.
Humor
Marvel movies never really disappoint when it comes to humor. There are a few parts that stand out. One is in a commercial so I can tell you. It is when Wolverine throws a guy out of a window, and the girl is like "How did you know there was a pool" and he replies, "I didn't." The other one is in the train fight scene. I won't give that one away, but it was pretty funny. There are also just all of the funny things that Wolverine says. All in all I was happy with the humor in the film.
Awesome Cars
I really shouldn't have given such a high score for this, but I love the Audi R8. So even though there aren't really any other cool cars in this movie it still gets a 7, because I love that car.
A Good Plot Twist
You don't really see it coming. That is what I liked about it. It isn't a crazy reveal or anything, but you definitely wouldn't expect it given the information you are presented for the duration of the film. At least I didn't. If you did, then great for you.
Additional Attractive Women
There is a girl that looks a lot like Famke Janssen that works in the Sara Lee bread stored here in Orem. I think she is attractive, and I should probably consider asking her out. Why am I telling you this? Well the only additional attractive woman in this film is Famke. Well there is the blonde chick that works for the old asian dude. She is pretty hot I guess. I don't know. She didn't really stand out though. She was attractive, but she definitely was not my type. So I stand strong with the 3 out of 10 for this category.
So there you have it. All of the information you need to prepare to go to this film. Oh, and don't be an idiot when the movie ends. I can't tell you how many morons walked out of the theater once the credits started rolling. How on earth can people be so stupid? There is always going to be something after or during the credits. Even if there isn't something. Don't take the gamble. The ending credits scene nearly made me crap my pants. Now all I can think of is how on earth it is possible. So don't be a stupid moron idiot. Stay for the credits. You too will soil yourself.
UPDATE: There are actually explosions in the movie. I am just a total idiot and some how forgot about them.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
One of Life's Lessons
I have learned a lot of things over the duration of my life. Some of those things include how to buy ice cream from a grocery store, that if you are tall you are going to hate washing your hair in a hotel shower, and that (Spoiler Alert) Santa Clause is really just a festively dressed drunk guy that sneaks into your house to steal your cookies and take a dump in your stocking. That isn't really coal my friends.
Today I learned yet another life lesson. I live in an apartment with a swamp cooler. For the past month the stupid thing has been squeaking, and it got to the point where I had completely tuned it out. Unfortunately for my roommate he didn't have the luxury of having that annoying noise tuned out. We had talked about filling out a maintenance report, but I am lazy and well yeah laziness always seems to win when it comes to mild annoyances. Anyway, so after a month of this squeaking noise the maintenance guy comes along, and notices that incessant squeaking coming from our swamp cooler. He gets some tools and spends about 20 minutes fixing it, and I didn't have to do anything. My point is that if you wait long enough eventually someone will come and fix your problems if you are too lazy to fix them. Sure, if you take care of your problems at the very beginning it is a lot faster, but how cool is it that you can just sit back and do nothing and eventually someone else will come fix everything for you? It is kinda like when a parent or sibling tells you to do a chore of some sort and you say that you will do it in a minute, but then that person gets impatient and does it instead. It is like the universe protects lazy people with people that do stuff. I can't tell you how many times in my life I just let things go until they work themselves out. Like this one time the garage door in my town home broke, because of an error in judgement and a lack of space to park in front of it. Because it was kind of awkward to tell the rental management that it happened we just let it go and dealt without a functioning garage door for the rest of the time we were there. Once moved out we got the entirety of our deposit back, and no one was the wiser. Something else that is kind of amazing is with food. If you go to some kind of social gathering where food is involved and just sit there without eating people will start offering to get you food. I am constantly amazed by the magic of doing nothing, and that is why I wanted to pass this on to you my readers. I believe that if we all start to do nothing and wait for the universe to unwind in our favor we will all die and the world will be a better place, because people are terrible and they ruin the world with their stupidity and freaking hashtags in front of words that are somewhat related to what they are talking about. I blame hashtags for the drop in intelligence and rise of teenage pregnancies in our modern world. It all started with Jersey Shore and The Hills and all of those other shows that are all dramatic and terrible. I am pretty sure that half of the human race is beginning to evolve backward. Their brains are getting smaller and their ability to fight a sabertooth tiger is increasing because of their 6 day a week training regiment. Anyway, I have to go get pizza now, because unlike those other people I turn caffeine and pizza into productivity and cool technology stuff.
Bye now!
Today I learned yet another life lesson. I live in an apartment with a swamp cooler. For the past month the stupid thing has been squeaking, and it got to the point where I had completely tuned it out. Unfortunately for my roommate he didn't have the luxury of having that annoying noise tuned out. We had talked about filling out a maintenance report, but I am lazy and well yeah laziness always seems to win when it comes to mild annoyances. Anyway, so after a month of this squeaking noise the maintenance guy comes along, and notices that incessant squeaking coming from our swamp cooler. He gets some tools and spends about 20 minutes fixing it, and I didn't have to do anything. My point is that if you wait long enough eventually someone will come and fix your problems if you are too lazy to fix them. Sure, if you take care of your problems at the very beginning it is a lot faster, but how cool is it that you can just sit back and do nothing and eventually someone else will come fix everything for you? It is kinda like when a parent or sibling tells you to do a chore of some sort and you say that you will do it in a minute, but then that person gets impatient and does it instead. It is like the universe protects lazy people with people that do stuff. I can't tell you how many times in my life I just let things go until they work themselves out. Like this one time the garage door in my town home broke, because of an error in judgement and a lack of space to park in front of it. Because it was kind of awkward to tell the rental management that it happened we just let it go and dealt without a functioning garage door for the rest of the time we were there. Once moved out we got the entirety of our deposit back, and no one was the wiser. Something else that is kind of amazing is with food. If you go to some kind of social gathering where food is involved and just sit there without eating people will start offering to get you food. I am constantly amazed by the magic of doing nothing, and that is why I wanted to pass this on to you my readers. I believe that if we all start to do nothing and wait for the universe to unwind in our favor we will all die and the world will be a better place, because people are terrible and they ruin the world with their stupidity and freaking hashtags in front of words that are somewhat related to what they are talking about. I blame hashtags for the drop in intelligence and rise of teenage pregnancies in our modern world. It all started with Jersey Shore and The Hills and all of those other shows that are all dramatic and terrible. I am pretty sure that half of the human race is beginning to evolve backward. Their brains are getting smaller and their ability to fight a sabertooth tiger is increasing because of their 6 day a week training regiment. Anyway, I have to go get pizza now, because unlike those other people I turn caffeine and pizza into productivity and cool technology stuff.
Bye now!
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Extremists, Not To Be Confused With Extremis
So to preface this post I need to tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a little boy whose one wish was to make everybody laugh. He knew that because of that wish some people would get offended, because the offensive jokes are the funniest ones. He also knew that he wasn't a person that actually believes the terrible, but funny, crap he says. Fast forward to the present, and he has made a reputation for being the funny fat guy that everyone knows. Maybe his jokes aren't G rated and unoffensive, but they are quite humorous even if a lot of people don't think so.
You guessed it. The little boy in that story is me. I enjoy making jokes that are racist, sexist, and all other kinds of ists. I don't do it to offend anyone, I don't do it because I hate minorities, or because I am a sexist pig. You are welcome to think that, but the truth is that I do it for the sake of a laugh and nothing else. If I can brighten another persons day by making fun of a homeless person or a quadriplegic trying to do any simple task then I am happy with that. I love it when people make fat people jokes. They are hilarious, and if you haven't noticed I am the fat guy king. I probably make fun of and laugh at more fat jokes at my own expense than anyone else. It is because laughter is the best medicine and I believe that if I laugh enough it might shake loose all of the fat, and I will be skinny. Ok not really. My mother had/has cancer, and my grandmother died from it. Guess what? I still laugh at cancer jokes. They are jokes, and they are hilarious. I don't take offense that someone jokes around about even though it is a serious problem that has affected my personal life. That is the way that people need to respond to humor. Not with anger, and a lot of debate over something that was meant to be a laugh. The only thing you are going to do is make yourself look like an idiot, because you couldn't laugh at a stereotype that isn't even necessarily true. Jokes are jokes people. Laugh at them. Don't get offended because you think you are being personally attacked. The truth is that you aren't.
What brought this up you might ask? Well I made a joke about women making sandwiches, and well...I don't think I have to tell you the rest. You know what? I think I will anyway. Someone commented on it saying something about gender equality, and then another person told them that they were stupid because it is just a joke, and blah blah blah. 45 comments later and I was feeling bad for the people that liked my status, because I am sure that they were getting notification after notification. It didn't help that it was past 1 am. I am pretty sure that everyone that either commented or liked the status was regretting it because of the argument that ensued on my post. What makes it worse is that later I was asked to remove said comments. Seriously? I believe in living with your mistakes, but as a favor for a friend I deleted the entire thread. Never again will I do this. If you are thinking about saying something on my post make sure that it is quick and witty, or that it isn't going to create a pointless argument that I am going to end up moderating, because you can't think of the consequences before you say something.
Now for my thoughts on gender equality the lighter fluid that helped ignite the fire that destroyed my post. I believe that women have every right to fight for equality in most things. There are a lot of things that are unfair about the way women are treated just because of their gender. But, just to be clear women are also women. Traditionally they have been the ones that stayed inside, did the cooking and cleaning, and raised the kids, We can't deny that it is in a woman's DNA to be able to do things like that. Women are incredibly skilled at multitasking. A skill that is necessary to be able to be a home maker. They are also very driven. Another skill that is required to be able to do something as unrewarding as housework. Men on the other hand have traditionally been the bread winners. They would go out and work all day, and then give in to their natural need to be lazy once they get home. I am not saying that is the way that it should be, but that is the way that it has been in the past. Now women are fighting against those gender roles, and that is great that they are trying to better their way of life. But by design they were created for child bearing, and with that there are certain things that they can just do out of instinct. Yes, with science catching up we may be growing children in farms like on The Matrix, and robots will be raising them like in Bicentennial Man, but until that actually happens women are still the only ones that can have children. Does that mean that they can't have a job, or do whatever else they are fighting for in this whole gender equality thing? Maybe, but you don't see me complaining that I can't get guys to buy me dinner every night in college, or that I can't get out of speeding tickets, or that I don't have a uterus. What it seems that women really want out of this whole feminist gender equality thing is all of the perks of being a man with none of the consequences. Sure it is great to be a guy, but it really isn't all it is cracked up to be. Honestly, if I could choose to be anything it would be dead. Then I wouldn't have to deal with all of these extremist people wanting things, but only wanting them enough to be annoying to everyone around them instead of actually doing something to make a difference. I can go around telling everyone that I am sick of everyone calling me fat, but then I go home and I eat pizza and drink soda. If I don't really do anything about it, then I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Don't get on social media sites to complain and argue about issues. That is like throwing a cotton ball at a rhino that is charging at you with the intent of making you its horn ornament. If you really believe that something needs to be done then either actually do something about it, or just shut up and let me make fun of you.
You guessed it. The little boy in that story is me. I enjoy making jokes that are racist, sexist, and all other kinds of ists. I don't do it to offend anyone, I don't do it because I hate minorities, or because I am a sexist pig. You are welcome to think that, but the truth is that I do it for the sake of a laugh and nothing else. If I can brighten another persons day by making fun of a homeless person or a quadriplegic trying to do any simple task then I am happy with that. I love it when people make fat people jokes. They are hilarious, and if you haven't noticed I am the fat guy king. I probably make fun of and laugh at more fat jokes at my own expense than anyone else. It is because laughter is the best medicine and I believe that if I laugh enough it might shake loose all of the fat, and I will be skinny. Ok not really. My mother had/has cancer, and my grandmother died from it. Guess what? I still laugh at cancer jokes. They are jokes, and they are hilarious. I don't take offense that someone jokes around about even though it is a serious problem that has affected my personal life. That is the way that people need to respond to humor. Not with anger, and a lot of debate over something that was meant to be a laugh. The only thing you are going to do is make yourself look like an idiot, because you couldn't laugh at a stereotype that isn't even necessarily true. Jokes are jokes people. Laugh at them. Don't get offended because you think you are being personally attacked. The truth is that you aren't.
What brought this up you might ask? Well I made a joke about women making sandwiches, and well...I don't think I have to tell you the rest. You know what? I think I will anyway. Someone commented on it saying something about gender equality, and then another person told them that they were stupid because it is just a joke, and blah blah blah. 45 comments later and I was feeling bad for the people that liked my status, because I am sure that they were getting notification after notification. It didn't help that it was past 1 am. I am pretty sure that everyone that either commented or liked the status was regretting it because of the argument that ensued on my post. What makes it worse is that later I was asked to remove said comments. Seriously? I believe in living with your mistakes, but as a favor for a friend I deleted the entire thread. Never again will I do this. If you are thinking about saying something on my post make sure that it is quick and witty, or that it isn't going to create a pointless argument that I am going to end up moderating, because you can't think of the consequences before you say something.
Now for my thoughts on gender equality the lighter fluid that helped ignite the fire that destroyed my post. I believe that women have every right to fight for equality in most things. There are a lot of things that are unfair about the way women are treated just because of their gender. But, just to be clear women are also women. Traditionally they have been the ones that stayed inside, did the cooking and cleaning, and raised the kids, We can't deny that it is in a woman's DNA to be able to do things like that. Women are incredibly skilled at multitasking. A skill that is necessary to be able to be a home maker. They are also very driven. Another skill that is required to be able to do something as unrewarding as housework. Men on the other hand have traditionally been the bread winners. They would go out and work all day, and then give in to their natural need to be lazy once they get home. I am not saying that is the way that it should be, but that is the way that it has been in the past. Now women are fighting against those gender roles, and that is great that they are trying to better their way of life. But by design they were created for child bearing, and with that there are certain things that they can just do out of instinct. Yes, with science catching up we may be growing children in farms like on The Matrix, and robots will be raising them like in Bicentennial Man, but until that actually happens women are still the only ones that can have children. Does that mean that they can't have a job, or do whatever else they are fighting for in this whole gender equality thing? Maybe, but you don't see me complaining that I can't get guys to buy me dinner every night in college, or that I can't get out of speeding tickets, or that I don't have a uterus. What it seems that women really want out of this whole feminist gender equality thing is all of the perks of being a man with none of the consequences. Sure it is great to be a guy, but it really isn't all it is cracked up to be. Honestly, if I could choose to be anything it would be dead. Then I wouldn't have to deal with all of these extremist people wanting things, but only wanting them enough to be annoying to everyone around them instead of actually doing something to make a difference. I can go around telling everyone that I am sick of everyone calling me fat, but then I go home and I eat pizza and drink soda. If I don't really do anything about it, then I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Don't get on social media sites to complain and argue about issues. That is like throwing a cotton ball at a rhino that is charging at you with the intent of making you its horn ornament. If you really believe that something needs to be done then either actually do something about it, or just shut up and let me make fun of you.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Why Commercials Came Way Before Their Time
I got cable somewhat recently. It is awesome. I have a lot of movie channels, and a bunch of not movie channels. Oh, and there is even on demand where I can watch stuff...on demand. Needless to say it is very nice to have a place, other than Netflix and Amazon, where I can't find anything to watch. I think the one thing that would make Netflix and Amazon a lot like cable would be to have a random button. When you click it some random tv show or movie plays. That would help it somewhat resemble the aleatoric art that cable television is. With cable you never really know what is going to be on, but you can't exactly just turn the tv off, because you have to have something in the background to drown out the sounds of the voices in your head and the amorous neighbors upstairs. Well either they are amorous or they have kids that yell and throw crap on the ground and stomp around. I think it is nicer to assume that they are a happy, young, and energetic couple than a miserable child ridden hispanic couple. Not nicer, but it makes me want to kill them less when I think of it that way. Seriously, it is like a midget rugby team is holding daily practices up there. The only thing that can cover it up is the blaring sound of Two and a Half Men, or whatever stupid show is playing while I am playing temple run on my phone because nothing is on.
While I am on the subject of having cable, a smart phone, and, in my case, a laptop I realized something. Commercials came way before their time. I was at a conference for work and they showed an infographic that showed the average household and the way everyone uses their devices. It is very common for people to do exactly what I am doing now. Watching tv, while doing something on their laptop, and pulling out their cell phone when their ADD really kicks in. Their point was to show the way consumers are interacting with their devices now. My point is that we are all crazy ADD with all of our crap. It is very true that a lot of people are on their laptop or on their phone or both while watching tv now. This is where commercials come in. If there something on that we are watching commercials allow us to indulge in our ADD 3 or 4 times every 30 minutes for 3ish minutes at a time. That way I can check my phone to see if someone has texted me, which they haven't, or if I have any new notifications on any of my social media accounts, which are just game invites, or I have gotten any emails, which are just spam. It doesn't really matter that nothing is there. I just have to check that crap. It is a finger addiction that goes clear to my brain. I know what you're thinking, some of the commercial breaks are gonna be for using the bathroom right? Ummm no. That is what a DVR is for. You hit the pause button while you use the bathroom. Don't have a DVR? Well I really doubt you have this problem, because if you don't have a DVR I doubt that you have a laptop or a smartphone...or a house without wheels on it. You pause the tv to conserve the commercials so you can feed your natural hunger for checking stuff and looking at memes.
So there you go. Commercials came way before their time, and now 72 years later we finally realize their purpose because of my genius insight. No need to thank me. Just pay it forward.
Ok bye now.
While I am on the subject of having cable, a smart phone, and, in my case, a laptop I realized something. Commercials came way before their time. I was at a conference for work and they showed an infographic that showed the average household and the way everyone uses their devices. It is very common for people to do exactly what I am doing now. Watching tv, while doing something on their laptop, and pulling out their cell phone when their ADD really kicks in. Their point was to show the way consumers are interacting with their devices now. My point is that we are all crazy ADD with all of our crap. It is very true that a lot of people are on their laptop or on their phone or both while watching tv now. This is where commercials come in. If there something on that we are watching commercials allow us to indulge in our ADD 3 or 4 times every 30 minutes for 3ish minutes at a time. That way I can check my phone to see if someone has texted me, which they haven't, or if I have any new notifications on any of my social media accounts, which are just game invites, or I have gotten any emails, which are just spam. It doesn't really matter that nothing is there. I just have to check that crap. It is a finger addiction that goes clear to my brain. I know what you're thinking, some of the commercial breaks are gonna be for using the bathroom right? Ummm no. That is what a DVR is for. You hit the pause button while you use the bathroom. Don't have a DVR? Well I really doubt you have this problem, because if you don't have a DVR I doubt that you have a laptop or a smartphone...or a house without wheels on it. You pause the tv to conserve the commercials so you can feed your natural hunger for checking stuff and looking at memes.
So there you go. Commercials came way before their time, and now 72 years later we finally realize their purpose because of my genius insight. No need to thank me. Just pay it forward.
Ok bye now.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
I'm a humor columnist Part II
Although it isn't march yet I have already written this article for the paper, and since you are my fans I will let you read the preview of it since I doubt very many people read the paper that these are in.
Enjoy!
It isn't every year that we get to celebrate March. Well, maybe it is, but it isn't every year that we get to celebrate March THIS year. It is the month of leprechauns, and getting pinched by people that aren't normally pinching you. In celebration of this month of magic green little people and memories of Lucky Charms commercials from the 90's, I would like to give you some advice so as to not get hoodwinked by a crafty miniature Irish wizard, maybe give you a chance to find the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, and find a four leaf clover amongst the less popular 3 and 5 leaf clovers that are somehow less lucky for seemingly no reason other than someone saying that they are lucky.
Tip #1 – Leprechauns Are Pretty Much Less Popular Elves
This is an important fact to remember if you are ever in a position with a leprechaun where you need some leverage. If he starts being all fancy with his limericks and funny accent, just give him a friendly reminder of how sad it must have been to be torn from his family at the North Pole and left to rot in Ireland with the drunk redheads and pygmies. He will try to act tough at first, but be persistent and he will completely lose his composure, and let down his guard and begin to cry. While his eyes are puffy and his vision is blurred slowly sneak up and steal his lucky charms. He is now powerless, and will instantaneously turn back into a wooden puppet. It is then safe to return him to Geppetto where he will be recycled and used to make peg legs for pirates. Be warned, if he is not successfully disarmed or you don't have enough backbone to make him cry, he will likely turn you into a really bloated donkey. Trust me, it is uncomfortable enough to be just a donkey. Add bloating to the mix and you basically have a donkey balloon, and that, my friends, is a balloon that not even a child is not going to hold on to.
Tip #2 – Finding A Pot Of Gold Is As Easy As 1, 2, 5
Something that they don't tell you in elementary is how to accomplish cold fusion. They also don't teach you that there really isn't a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. They do this because they are selfish. Be honest with yourself right now. If you knew where a pot of gold was would you tell a bunch of bratty kids about it? No, you would lie to them. That is why you never hear about people finding gold at the end of a rainbow. The first problem is that you can't find the end of a rainbow. Rainbows are really a bunch of raindrops that split light up into bands of color like prisms. When you move closer to a rainbow the angle of your vision in relation to the raindrops change making the rainbow still seem far away. The second problem is that pots don't occur naturally. Therefore, for a pot of gold to magically appear at the end of a rainbow that doesn't really have an end is just ridiculous. Also, there are various types of pots. For example, does the gold come in a crock pot, clay pot, a caldron kind of pot, a cooking pot, a pot-ato? It is a trick question my friends. It is a gold de-pot. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. The definition of depot is “a place for the storage of large quantities of equipment, food, or some other commodity.” Really you are looking for a buried treasure more than anything. So it becomes a hunt for gold. The word rain comes from Proto-Germanic rezna, and bows were invented by the end of the Upper Paleolithic Era, or the Old Stone Age as it is understood in Europe. The Proto-Germanic language has its roots in Northern Germany and The Netherlands above the Rhine River. So, the clues we get from separating the word rainbow into rain and bow are the Rhine River and the word stone. It just so happens that there is a famous rock formation on the eastern bank of the Rhine River near St. Goarshausen, Germany called Lorelei. This is where the depot of gold is hidden. You can thank me later. ;)
Tip #3 – Four Leaf Clovers Aren't Really Magic
Don't waste your time looking for a four leaf clover. They are very hard to find, and, spoiler alert, they aren't really magical or good luck. Trust me, I knew a kid that found a four leaf clover. From that day forward every time he went on a date he had uncontrollable gas. This led to people calling him flatulent Fred. Eventually the government learned of his problem and hired him to go on dates with Afghan women, and it became a new form of biological warfare. Unfortunately, Fred didn't make it home from his service. While on a date he became so flatulent that he asphyxiated himself, and everyone in the cafe, and died due to a lack of oxygen. The lesson here is that if you find a four leaf clover, your farts will likely be the end of you. My advice is to find an alternate means of good luck. For example, instead of breaking mirrors make them. Instead of walking under a ladder leap over it. And, instead of stepping on cracks in the sidewalk, go a day without pants. I dare you!
Enjoy!
It isn't every year that we get to celebrate March. Well, maybe it is, but it isn't every year that we get to celebrate March THIS year. It is the month of leprechauns, and getting pinched by people that aren't normally pinching you. In celebration of this month of magic green little people and memories of Lucky Charms commercials from the 90's, I would like to give you some advice so as to not get hoodwinked by a crafty miniature Irish wizard, maybe give you a chance to find the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, and find a four leaf clover amongst the less popular 3 and 5 leaf clovers that are somehow less lucky for seemingly no reason other than someone saying that they are lucky.
Tip #1 – Leprechauns Are Pretty Much Less Popular Elves
This is an important fact to remember if you are ever in a position with a leprechaun where you need some leverage. If he starts being all fancy with his limericks and funny accent, just give him a friendly reminder of how sad it must have been to be torn from his family at the North Pole and left to rot in Ireland with the drunk redheads and pygmies. He will try to act tough at first, but be persistent and he will completely lose his composure, and let down his guard and begin to cry. While his eyes are puffy and his vision is blurred slowly sneak up and steal his lucky charms. He is now powerless, and will instantaneously turn back into a wooden puppet. It is then safe to return him to Geppetto where he will be recycled and used to make peg legs for pirates. Be warned, if he is not successfully disarmed or you don't have enough backbone to make him cry, he will likely turn you into a really bloated donkey. Trust me, it is uncomfortable enough to be just a donkey. Add bloating to the mix and you basically have a donkey balloon, and that, my friends, is a balloon that not even a child is not going to hold on to.
Tip #2 – Finding A Pot Of Gold Is As Easy As 1, 2, 5
Something that they don't tell you in elementary is how to accomplish cold fusion. They also don't teach you that there really isn't a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. They do this because they are selfish. Be honest with yourself right now. If you knew where a pot of gold was would you tell a bunch of bratty kids about it? No, you would lie to them. That is why you never hear about people finding gold at the end of a rainbow. The first problem is that you can't find the end of a rainbow. Rainbows are really a bunch of raindrops that split light up into bands of color like prisms. When you move closer to a rainbow the angle of your vision in relation to the raindrops change making the rainbow still seem far away. The second problem is that pots don't occur naturally. Therefore, for a pot of gold to magically appear at the end of a rainbow that doesn't really have an end is just ridiculous. Also, there are various types of pots. For example, does the gold come in a crock pot, clay pot, a caldron kind of pot, a cooking pot, a pot-ato? It is a trick question my friends. It is a gold de-pot. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. The definition of depot is “a place for the storage of large quantities of equipment, food, or some other commodity.” Really you are looking for a buried treasure more than anything. So it becomes a hunt for gold. The word rain comes from Proto-Germanic rezna, and bows were invented by the end of the Upper Paleolithic Era, or the Old Stone Age as it is understood in Europe. The Proto-Germanic language has its roots in Northern Germany and The Netherlands above the Rhine River. So, the clues we get from separating the word rainbow into rain and bow are the Rhine River and the word stone. It just so happens that there is a famous rock formation on the eastern bank of the Rhine River near St. Goarshausen, Germany called Lorelei. This is where the depot of gold is hidden. You can thank me later. ;)
Tip #3 – Four Leaf Clovers Aren't Really Magic
Don't waste your time looking for a four leaf clover. They are very hard to find, and, spoiler alert, they aren't really magical or good luck. Trust me, I knew a kid that found a four leaf clover. From that day forward every time he went on a date he had uncontrollable gas. This led to people calling him flatulent Fred. Eventually the government learned of his problem and hired him to go on dates with Afghan women, and it became a new form of biological warfare. Unfortunately, Fred didn't make it home from his service. While on a date he became so flatulent that he asphyxiated himself, and everyone in the cafe, and died due to a lack of oxygen. The lesson here is that if you find a four leaf clover, your farts will likely be the end of you. My advice is to find an alternate means of good luck. For example, instead of breaking mirrors make them. Instead of walking under a ladder leap over it. And, instead of stepping on cracks in the sidewalk, go a day without pants. I dare you!
I'm a humor columnist.
Hey everybody, I haven't really told many people, but I am the humor columnist for an independent news paper. I don't get paid for it, but it is fun. Needless to say, I haven't posted the stuff I have written in my blog. So here is the first one I wrote, and then I will post the second one after this. Keep in mind this was for february.
Well ladies and gentleman it is that time of year again. No, not Black History Month...Well yes, that too, but it is almost Valentines Day. That glorious time of the year where millions of people around the America gather together by themselves, and celebrate how much they hate their fat bodies. It is a wonderful time for the economy. Where those happy couples buy each other pointless gifts that somehow signify how much they care for each other, and the single lonely folk rush to the super market to buy ice cream, and really anything else that will stop their heart from beating so that they can't feel the pain of being alone again this year. Ah, what a magical time of the year it truly is. To commemorate this time this wonderful holiday I would like to take a look back at how it all began.
Eons ago, when people were much less hygienic, there lived a man named Saint Valentine. (Well his name wasn't actually Saint, but I didn't care to find out what his first name was. It was probably something medieval sounding like Athalos or Merek.) Saint Valentine was a very affectionate man, and had his heart broken many times by the woman he stalked incessantly. If the word awkward was invented back then it would have been a perfect adjective to describe him. He was without question the type of guy that doesn't get the girl. But, as we all know, perseverance is key in making girls creeped out beyond control, and Saint Valentine did persevere. One night as he lie awake in his bed made of straw and manure, because that is what they slept in back then - basically a modern third world country without the minorities – he found himself deep in thought about the woman that he was in love with. The one that got away even though he used the square knot he learned in scouts. She was beautiful. The kind of girl that takes a bath at least once a month. She lived in the nice part of the village that isn't downwind of the rotting corpses and fowl smelling droppings from various animals. She was classy to say the least. How on earth could he win her heart, or at least kidnap her without being caught? It was while pondering this night that it hit him. This is medieval times-ish there has to be a witch that can cast a spell around here somewhere, and make her mine. The next morning he arose with purpose. He knew what he had to do, and there was a quest at hand. It was time to find this witch, and make Penelope Von Hildenbroth his forever. He packed his things, and hit the road. Fifteen minutes down the road he realized that in all the excitement he had forgotten pants. So he turned back to fetch them britches. Once he had clothed his bottom half he was really on his way.
Days passed, and kingdom after kingdom had turned up the same results. There was no witch to be found. He knew that time was scarce, because really Penelope had the choice of any guy in his kingdom, and she was probably going to be picking one of them soon. She was like 14, so she didn't have much time before she was married off. He doubled his efforts. He didn't stop to sleep, or eat. Well, unless he was really tired or hungry, then he would take a break. A week passed, and the weather was getting worse. His supplies were running low, and he only had a day of food before he would run out. He had to find the witch now, or he would freeze to death in the blizzard that was coming.
The blizzard hit harder than anyone expected, but Saint Valentine stayed strong. Over the ridge he could see what looked like a small cottage in the distance with smoke coming out of the chimney. This was where the witch lived. He barely had the strength to move at this point. Just a little further, and he could make Penelope his forever. Needless to say, Saint Valentine froze to death before he could make it to the cabin.
It is because of his willingness to give up everything for the one he loved that we remember him on this holiday. We also learn a valuable lesson from this story. No matter how hard a guy tries the only way he is going to get the girl is by magic. For example, if I had The ForceTM I would get girls left and right, because I would force them to be with me. See, it's a funny pun. But seriously people, I don't know anything about Saint Valentine other than he was probably a distant ancestor of the beloved character Skeeter Valentine from the Nickelodeon T.V. series Doug. That was a great show wasn't it? Yeah, good times, good times.
Happy Valentines Ervrybody!
Well ladies and gentleman it is that time of year again. No, not Black History Month...Well yes, that too, but it is almost Valentines Day. That glorious time of the year where millions of people around the America gather together by themselves, and celebrate how much they hate their fat bodies. It is a wonderful time for the economy. Where those happy couples buy each other pointless gifts that somehow signify how much they care for each other, and the single lonely folk rush to the super market to buy ice cream, and really anything else that will stop their heart from beating so that they can't feel the pain of being alone again this year. Ah, what a magical time of the year it truly is. To commemorate this time this wonderful holiday I would like to take a look back at how it all began.
Eons ago, when people were much less hygienic, there lived a man named Saint Valentine. (Well his name wasn't actually Saint, but I didn't care to find out what his first name was. It was probably something medieval sounding like Athalos or Merek.) Saint Valentine was a very affectionate man, and had his heart broken many times by the woman he stalked incessantly. If the word awkward was invented back then it would have been a perfect adjective to describe him. He was without question the type of guy that doesn't get the girl. But, as we all know, perseverance is key in making girls creeped out beyond control, and Saint Valentine did persevere. One night as he lie awake in his bed made of straw and manure, because that is what they slept in back then - basically a modern third world country without the minorities – he found himself deep in thought about the woman that he was in love with. The one that got away even though he used the square knot he learned in scouts. She was beautiful. The kind of girl that takes a bath at least once a month. She lived in the nice part of the village that isn't downwind of the rotting corpses and fowl smelling droppings from various animals. She was classy to say the least. How on earth could he win her heart, or at least kidnap her without being caught? It was while pondering this night that it hit him. This is medieval times-ish there has to be a witch that can cast a spell around here somewhere, and make her mine. The next morning he arose with purpose. He knew what he had to do, and there was a quest at hand. It was time to find this witch, and make Penelope Von Hildenbroth his forever. He packed his things, and hit the road. Fifteen minutes down the road he realized that in all the excitement he had forgotten pants. So he turned back to fetch them britches. Once he had clothed his bottom half he was really on his way.
Days passed, and kingdom after kingdom had turned up the same results. There was no witch to be found. He knew that time was scarce, because really Penelope had the choice of any guy in his kingdom, and she was probably going to be picking one of them soon. She was like 14, so she didn't have much time before she was married off. He doubled his efforts. He didn't stop to sleep, or eat. Well, unless he was really tired or hungry, then he would take a break. A week passed, and the weather was getting worse. His supplies were running low, and he only had a day of food before he would run out. He had to find the witch now, or he would freeze to death in the blizzard that was coming.
The blizzard hit harder than anyone expected, but Saint Valentine stayed strong. Over the ridge he could see what looked like a small cottage in the distance with smoke coming out of the chimney. This was where the witch lived. He barely had the strength to move at this point. Just a little further, and he could make Penelope his forever. Needless to say, Saint Valentine froze to death before he could make it to the cabin.
It is because of his willingness to give up everything for the one he loved that we remember him on this holiday. We also learn a valuable lesson from this story. No matter how hard a guy tries the only way he is going to get the girl is by magic. For example, if I had The ForceTM I would get girls left and right, because I would force them to be with me. See, it's a funny pun. But seriously people, I don't know anything about Saint Valentine other than he was probably a distant ancestor of the beloved character Skeeter Valentine from the Nickelodeon T.V. series Doug. That was a great show wasn't it? Yeah, good times, good times.
Happy Valentines Ervrybody!
Monday, February 18, 2013
The Shallow Justification...And Some Other Crap You Don't Have To Read
I would like to begin with an explanation. I am shallow. A very particular shallow that doesn't always make sense. I am not going to list every quality that I look for in a female, because honestly it wouldn't really make a difference. I will just put it this way. I am attracted to women that I am attracted to. Is that vague enough? I sure hope so. Now that I have prefaced this I am going to justify my shallowness.
I Jake, being fat of stature and single for a very long time, have found an answer to the question why am I single? It is simple really. I have never really been in a position where a woman that I am attracted to is really attracted to me. At least as far as I have been informed. This is due to a few things.
- I have an incredibly ironic set of high standards when it comes to the way a girl looks for me to be attracted to her.
- I tend to not pursue women until I think that they are interested in me, which is usually never.
- I am a very unique person with a very unique sense of humor of which certain females are not fond.
- I come off as desperate, which is pretty accurate.
- I tend to overuse humor, which may lead women to think that my personality has no depth.
- I am not very physically attractive.
- Probably a lot of other things, but I am tired of thinking.
<---------------------This section is very off topic, and mopey. Feel free to skip.--------------------------->
I am not going to lie. I want to be in love. Am I desperate? Definitely, but why is it such a bad thing to want something that I have never had? I feel that I have every right to be so. I am sick of the way that I feel being alone. The biggest problem is that I have no clue what I am missing which makes me want it more. Every spark of romance that I have been a part of has been short lived. This has left me with an unquenchable thirst for romance that has yet to be satisfied. This, combined with my constant failure of romantic pursuits, has turned me from an outgoing and pleasant person to a complete introvert. The thought of relationships, and the fact that I am not in one, consumes my thoughts, and is completely destroying the person that I am or once was. Why am I writing this? Because I may be losing control, and because, I don't want to admit it, I am secretly hoping that some beautiful woman is going to read this and feel sorry enough for me that she will give me a chance. I have stayed sane this long by accepting that there are a lot of people older than I am that are in the same situation, but the question still remains. I am, or once was, a pleasant person with a great sense of humor, and I have many qualities that, I have been, told are desirable. So, why then can I not acquire that which I seek? There is obviously something wrong with me that people aren't telling me about for whatever reason. I am so sick of people sugar coating everything. I created a website asking for honest opinions of me, and I didn't get anywhere with it. It was completely anonymous. Yet, no one had anything productive to say on this subject. By the way, if you are reading this and you sent a message, this is really the answer I was looking for. I still appreciate your time though. It seems that I am in a 10+ year downward spiral that ends with insanity, and that the only hope that I foresee is some girl lowering her standards. It is really pathetic, but I am afraid it is true. It isn't like I am not fun to be around. People generally like to be around me, and though I am very sarcastic and probably come off as a chauvinist pig. I really do respect women, and hold them in the highest regard. I guess the real reason that I am writing this is due to the fact that I have no clue what to do. So if you have any thoughts concerning my dilemma, or you are gorgeous and secretly want to be with me. Go here and let me know either way. I prefer constructive advice. Not to be a jerk, but "hang in there" or "you really shouldn't be so dependent on another person" are examples of things that will likely just anger me. Ok, I am done now.
<----------------------------------Skip to here.------------------------------------------------------------------->
To sum up. I am shallow, but because I want what is best for my kids. I am desperate, and there is no changing that. And, this post did not go in the direction that I had originally intended. So, sorry for that everyone. All this loneliness is clouding the funny part of my brain. Ok, go away now. I have wasted enough of your time. Go to youtube and watch the monkey scratching his butt, and falling out of the tree. That is funny the first 5 times you watch it.
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