Hey everybody, I haven't really told many people, but I am the humor columnist for an independent news paper. I don't get paid for it, but it is fun. Needless to say, I haven't posted the stuff I have written in my blog. So here is the first one I wrote, and then I will post the second one after this. Keep in mind this was for february.
Well ladies and gentleman it is that time of year again. No, not Black History Month...Well yes, that too, but it is almost Valentines Day. That glorious time of the year where millions of people around the America gather together by themselves, and celebrate how much they hate their fat bodies. It is a wonderful time for the economy. Where those happy couples buy each other pointless gifts that somehow signify how much they care for each other, and the single lonely folk rush to the super market to buy ice cream, and really anything else that will stop their heart from beating so that they can't feel the pain of being alone again this year. Ah, what a magical time of the year it truly is. To commemorate this time this wonderful holiday I would like to take a look back at how it all began.
Eons ago, when people were much less hygienic, there lived a man named Saint Valentine. (Well his name wasn't actually Saint, but I didn't care to find out what his first name was. It was probably something medieval sounding like Athalos or Merek.) Saint Valentine was a very affectionate man, and had his heart broken many times by the woman he stalked incessantly. If the word awkward was invented back then it would have been a perfect adjective to describe him. He was without question the type of guy that doesn't get the girl. But, as we all know, perseverance is key in making girls creeped out beyond control, and Saint Valentine did persevere. One night as he lie awake in his bed made of straw and manure, because that is what they slept in back then - basically a modern third world country without the minorities – he found himself deep in thought about the woman that he was in love with. The one that got away even though he used the square knot he learned in scouts. She was beautiful. The kind of girl that takes a bath at least once a month. She lived in the nice part of the village that isn't downwind of the rotting corpses and fowl smelling droppings from various animals. She was classy to say the least. How on earth could he win her heart, or at least kidnap her without being caught? It was while pondering this night that it hit him. This is medieval times-ish there has to be a witch that can cast a spell around here somewhere, and make her mine. The next morning he arose with purpose. He knew what he had to do, and there was a quest at hand. It was time to find this witch, and make Penelope Von Hildenbroth his forever. He packed his things, and hit the road. Fifteen minutes down the road he realized that in all the excitement he had forgotten pants. So he turned back to fetch them britches. Once he had clothed his bottom half he was really on his way.
Days passed, and kingdom after kingdom had turned up the same results. There was no witch to be found. He knew that time was scarce, because really Penelope had the choice of any guy in his kingdom, and she was probably going to be picking one of them soon. She was like 14, so she didn't have much time before she was married off. He doubled his efforts. He didn't stop to sleep, or eat. Well, unless he was really tired or hungry, then he would take a break. A week passed, and the weather was getting worse. His supplies were running low, and he only had a day of food before he would run out. He had to find the witch now, or he would freeze to death in the blizzard that was coming.
The blizzard hit harder than anyone expected, but Saint Valentine stayed strong. Over the ridge he could see what looked like a small cottage in the distance with smoke coming out of the chimney. This was where the witch lived. He barely had the strength to move at this point. Just a little further, and he could make Penelope his forever. Needless to say, Saint Valentine froze to death before he could make it to the cabin.
It is because of his willingness to give up everything for the one he loved that we remember him on this holiday. We also learn a valuable lesson from this story. No matter how hard a guy tries the only way he is going to get the girl is by magic. For example, if I had The ForceTM I would get girls left and right, because I would force them to be with me. See, it's a funny pun. But seriously people, I don't know anything about Saint Valentine other than he was probably a distant ancestor of the beloved character Skeeter Valentine from the Nickelodeon T.V. series Doug. That was a great show wasn't it? Yeah, good times, good times.
Happy Valentines Ervrybody!
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