Although it isn't march yet I have already written this article for the paper, and since you are my fans I will let you read the preview of it since I doubt very many people read the paper that these are in.
Enjoy!
It isn't every year that we get to celebrate March. Well, maybe it is, but it isn't every year that we get to celebrate March THIS year. It is the month of leprechauns, and getting pinched by people that aren't normally pinching you. In celebration of this month of magic green little people and memories of Lucky Charms commercials from the 90's, I would like to give you some advice so as to not get hoodwinked by a crafty miniature Irish wizard, maybe give you a chance to find the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, and find a four leaf clover amongst the less popular 3 and 5 leaf clovers that are somehow less lucky for seemingly no reason other than someone saying that they are lucky.
Tip #1 – Leprechauns Are Pretty Much Less Popular Elves
This is an important fact to remember if you are ever in a position with a leprechaun where you need some leverage. If he starts being all fancy with his limericks and funny accent, just give him a friendly reminder of how sad it must have been to be torn from his family at the North Pole and left to rot in Ireland with the drunk redheads and pygmies. He will try to act tough at first, but be persistent and he will completely lose his composure, and let down his guard and begin to cry. While his eyes are puffy and his vision is blurred slowly sneak up and steal his lucky charms. He is now powerless, and will instantaneously turn back into a wooden puppet. It is then safe to return him to Geppetto where he will be recycled and used to make peg legs for pirates. Be warned, if he is not successfully disarmed or you don't have enough backbone to make him cry, he will likely turn you into a really bloated donkey. Trust me, it is uncomfortable enough to be just a donkey. Add bloating to the mix and you basically have a donkey balloon, and that, my friends, is a balloon that not even a child is not going to hold on to.
Tip #2 – Finding A Pot Of Gold Is As Easy As 1, 2, 5
Something that they don't tell you in elementary is how to accomplish cold fusion. They also don't teach you that there really isn't a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. They do this because they are selfish. Be honest with yourself right now. If you knew where a pot of gold was would you tell a bunch of bratty kids about it? No, you would lie to them. That is why you never hear about people finding gold at the end of a rainbow. The first problem is that you can't find the end of a rainbow. Rainbows are really a bunch of raindrops that split light up into bands of color like prisms. When you move closer to a rainbow the angle of your vision in relation to the raindrops change making the rainbow still seem far away. The second problem is that pots don't occur naturally. Therefore, for a pot of gold to magically appear at the end of a rainbow that doesn't really have an end is just ridiculous. Also, there are various types of pots. For example, does the gold come in a crock pot, clay pot, a caldron kind of pot, a cooking pot, a pot-ato? It is a trick question my friends. It is a gold de-pot. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. The definition of depot is “a place for the storage of large quantities of equipment, food, or some other commodity.” Really you are looking for a buried treasure more than anything. So it becomes a hunt for gold. The word rain comes from Proto-Germanic rezna, and bows were invented by the end of the Upper Paleolithic Era, or the Old Stone Age as it is understood in Europe. The Proto-Germanic language has its roots in Northern Germany and The Netherlands above the Rhine River. So, the clues we get from separating the word rainbow into rain and bow are the Rhine River and the word stone. It just so happens that there is a famous rock formation on the eastern bank of the Rhine River near St. Goarshausen, Germany called Lorelei. This is where the depot of gold is hidden. You can thank me later. ;)
Tip #3 – Four Leaf Clovers Aren't Really Magic
Don't waste your time looking for a four leaf clover. They are very hard to find, and, spoiler alert, they aren't really magical or good luck. Trust me, I knew a kid that found a four leaf clover. From that day forward every time he went on a date he had uncontrollable gas. This led to people calling him flatulent Fred. Eventually the government learned of his problem and hired him to go on dates with Afghan women, and it became a new form of biological warfare. Unfortunately, Fred didn't make it home from his service. While on a date he became so flatulent that he asphyxiated himself, and everyone in the cafe, and died due to a lack of oxygen. The lesson here is that if you find a four leaf clover, your farts will likely be the end of you. My advice is to find an alternate means of good luck. For example, instead of breaking mirrors make them. Instead of walking under a ladder leap over it. And, instead of stepping on cracks in the sidewalk, go a day without pants. I dare you!
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