The Shallow Justification...And Some Other Crap You Don't Have To Read

I would like to begin with an explanation. I am shallow. A very particular shallow that doesn't always make sense. I am not going to list every quality that I look for in a female, because honestly it wouldn't really make a difference. I will just put it this way. I am attracted to women that I am attracted to. Is that vague enough? I sure hope so. Now that I have prefaced this I am going to justify my shallowness.

I Jake, being fat of stature and single for a very long time, have found an answer to the question why am I single? It is simple really. I have never really been in a position where a woman that I am attracted to is really attracted to me. At least as far as I have been informed. This is due to a few things.

•  I have an incredibly ironic set of high standards when it comes to the way a girl looks for me to be attracted to her. 
• I tend to not pursue women until I think that they are interested in me, which is usually never.
• I am a very unique person with a very unique sense of humor of which certain females are not fond. 
• I come off as desperate, which is pretty accurate. 
• I tend to overuse humor, which may lead women to think that my personality has no depth.
• I am not very physically attractive. 
• Probably a lot of other things, but I am tired of thinking.

I am not going to discuss each of these things. I would just like to focus on the justification of being shallow. I feel that I am very intelligent. I may not be book smart, but I am definitely smarter than a lot of the people I know. Yes, take offense to that. I am probably talking about you. The problem with intelligence is that it doesn't often come with a very good physique. Picture the smartest person you know. He is probably very pale, and doesn't exactly have any sports trophies. Oh, and don't get offended because I said 'he' instead of 'they'. Yes, there are many intelligent women, but there are also a lot of women who pose in front of cameras with a duck face pose, and the smartest thing they know how to do is take a photo and upload it to some form of social media website with a crap load of hashtags in front of words that have some reference to something that they were doing while they were taking the picture. Sadly the women that I just described are also the same women that I am the most physically attracted to. This is where the justification of being shallow comes into play. I feel that because of my level of intelligence I should be with some moronic, yet incredibly hot, woman. It would balance out. My children would ideally get my intelligence and sense of humor, and mix with her amazing, and heart wrenching, level of attractiveness and aptitude for things that involve being outside for more than the time it takes to drive to work and or school. When it comes down to it, I am doing this all for my children. Whether natural selection is real, or just something that scientists made up to piss off the Christians, my children will be prepared. They will never know what it is like to go through high school just being the funny fat guy, or being the girl that never gets asked to prom. They won't live alone well into their 30's, and then buy a bunch of animals(cats) to suppress the amount of sadness they feel from being alone. They won't go through their life always wondering why attraction plays such a huge factor in their inability to fully enjoy life. Don't argue that a person doesn't need to have another person to validate their existence, because, though it is true that another person can't solve all of your problems, it is true that another person can help you find the part of yourself that is not capable of finding without them. I don't want my children to experience the void that is caused by feeling that they aren't capable of the feelings that are associated with romance. There is a magic that is present in a relationship that can't be synthesized or substituted. Why do you think everyone wants to be in love? It is for those reasons.

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I am not going to lie. I want to be in love. Am I desperate? Definitely, but why is it such a bad thing to want something that I have never had? I feel that I have every right to be so. I am sick of the way that I feel being alone. The biggest problem is that I have no clue what I am missing which makes me want it more. Every spark of romance that I have been a part of has been short lived. This has left me with an unquenchable thirst for romance that has yet to be satisfied. This, combined with my constant failure of romantic pursuits, has turned me from an outgoing and pleasant person to a complete introvert. The thought of relationships, and the fact that I am not in one, consumes my thoughts, and is completely destroying the person that I am or once was. Why am I writing this? Because I may be losing control, and because, I don't want to admit it, I am secretly hoping that some beautiful woman is going to read this and feel sorry enough for me that she will give me a chance. I have stayed sane this long by accepting that there are a lot of people older than I am that are in the same situation, but the question still remains. I am, or once was, a pleasant person with a great sense of humor, and I have many qualities that, I have been, told are desirable. So, why then can I not acquire that which I seek? There is obviously something wrong with me that people aren't telling me about for whatever reason. I am so sick of people sugar coating everything. I created a website asking for honest opinions of me, and I didn't get anywhere with it. It was completely anonymous. Yet, no one had anything productive to say on this subject. By the way, if you are reading this and you sent a message, this is really the answer I was looking for. I still appreciate your time though. It seems that I am in a 10+ year downward spiral that ends with insanity, and that the only hope that I foresee is some girl lowering her standards. It is really pathetic, but I am afraid it is true. It isn't like I am not fun to be around. People generally like to be around me, and though I am very sarcastic and probably come off as a chauvinist pig. I really do respect women, and hold them in the highest regard. I guess the real reason that I am writing this is due to the fact that I have no clue what to do. So if you have any thoughts concerning my dilemma, or you are gorgeous and secretly want to be with me. Go here and let me know either way. I prefer constructive advice. Not to be a jerk, but "hang in there" or "you really shouldn't be so dependent on another person" are examples of things that will likely just anger me. Ok, I am done now. 

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To sum up. I am shallow, but because I want what is best for my kids. I am desperate, and there is no changing that. And, this post did not go in the direction that I had originally intended. So, sorry for that everyone. All this loneliness is clouding the funny part of my brain. Ok, go away now. I have wasted enough of your time. Go to youtube and watch the monkey scratching his butt, and falling out of the tree. That is funny the first 5 times you watch it.