How to tell if if you are a douchebag

Ok so here it is. Everyone needs to understand one thing before I start this probably somewhat controversial and very opinionated list of characteristics. The reason I am doing this is because I care. I am sick of douchebags and I am sure they are sick of themselves too. Ok they probably aren't. Honestly, if I was a D-bag, ps I am gonna say D-bag now because douchebag takes like 4 more key strokes, I probably wouldn't want to change. Here is why: hot girls. It doesn't matter how stupid, mean, and...all I can think of is stupid and mean. But the point is that even though they are the way they are, they still get incredibly hot girls. I know that some people are reading this and saying, "Jake you are shallow." and to that I say "Duh!" If you haven't noticed I am a guy. Spoiler alert women, almost all guys are shallow, and the rest are black. We all know black guys like big women, which balances the world. So women this means that if you are married to anyone other than a black man you are attractive. At least according to my theory, which I admit I just made up while I was writing it. It sounded about right so I went with it.
There were also other things I was thinking about doing instead of how to tell if you are a D-bag. The ones I was really considering were actresses that think they are hot but aren't, and how to tell if you are fat. Unfortunately for both, the list was too short. For actresses the only one I could think of was Drew Barrymore, but in all honestly I didn't give it much thought, I just saw that cover girl commercial and almost threw up. And for the fat one it was just look in the mirror. So really I got 3 lists of things.
Also before I start this list I want to say Happy Valentines to all the couples out there. I am so happy that you are happy and I am still single. I am not bitter, I enjoy being single. I don't have to learn first hand that girls actually fart. I still don't believe its true, and will continue to be close minded about the subject. Also, I don't have to get into arguments that I know I am gonna lose. Let's face it...girls always win, doesn't matter if they are right or wrong. I am ok with that fact, women have to deal with child birth, and that annoying monthly problem, and they have to deal with men. I say that they deserve to win all the arguments. The final reason I am ok being single is because I get my alone time. And we all know what guys do with their alone time...they play video games! Nothing gets me in a good mood like video games. That and ice cream. Maybe an Adam Sandler movie. By the way, Just Go With It was such a funny movie. If you like Adam Sandler films this movie is for you. Have I gotten off subject enough? Oh by the way this list isn't an official list or anything, if you don't agree with something I say then keep it to yourself, or feel free to comment and make suggestions of other things that can be on the list. Mmmkay?

Alright on with the list! Wait!!!! hold up...stop everything! Who proposes on valentines day? I just got a text saying that my friend is engaged. If I was a girl I would say no because it is so cliche. I mean seriously people. Get a little creative, it is the girl you plan to be with for, at least, life. If you propose on V-day, ps I am gonna save on keystrokes for this one too, you are basically saying, "hey, just so you know don't expect any surprises from me." Sure she is gonna be excited, she is engaged. But nothing beats completely random out of nowhere knock your teeth out proposals. That's what she will remember forever. What is she gonna say about your V-day proposal? Probably something lame, that's what. Maybe I should add that to the list. If you propose on V-day you are a D-bag. No, I am sure there are nice boring people that propose on V-day. Ok, so this whole rant was for no reason. Who texts you saying they are engaged 2 days after they proposed? Come on people! I have said enough, if you are still with me here we go.

How to tell if you are a douche bag:
-fohawk, need I say more?
-30% to 50% of your conversation consists of curse words
-you laugh more at your own jokes than any one else does
-you played a sport in highschool
-you have dated more than 5 really hot girls
-you work out more than 4 times a week
-you wear mostly skin tight shirts and designer jeans...that might also mean you are gay
-you have an obviously low IQ
-people call you a douche bag
-you drive a lifted truck and blow smoke every time you accelerate
-you say you play guitar but only know 3 songs and you play them very poorly
-you take pictures of yourself with your shirt off and put them on facebook
-you have made out with more than twice the amount of girls that you have dated
-you had to stop and figure out if the last characteristic applied to you
-you idolize Dane Cook
-you play primarily sports video games
-you don't think The Big Bang Theory is funny because you don't understand any of the jokes
-you make fun of people that are smarter than you
-you go tanning
-you were popular in high school
-your emotions are expressed in a more primitive matter than the average person

If you answered yes to most of these questions there is a high chance that I hate you. There is also a high chance that other people hate you. And there is a high change you are a DOUCHEBAG.

P.S. If you have a suggestion for something I should BS about let me know and I will consider it.

&hearts <3