The Wolverine Review

It has been a while since I have done a review, but my boss asked me to tell him how The Wolverine was. So instead of saying "It was good", "You should go see it", or "The asian chick had a weird shaped head". I am going to give details about the movie and my opinion of the film.

Just to be clear The Wolverine was a good movie. I thoroughly enjoyed it, but I feel that typically I am pretty easy to please when it comes to movies. There are a few criteria, depending on the genre of the film, that will guarantee a successful movie in my opinion. Since this is an action movie the criteria are, in no particular order, an attractive lead female actress, a very masculine and capable lead male actor, awesome fight sequences, explosions, humor, awesome cars, a good plot twist, and additional attractive women throughout.

Here are my ratings on these criteria for this film:

Attractive female lead:	7ish
Masculine male lead:	15
Fight sequences:	9
Explosions:	0
Humor:	8
Awesome cars:	7
A good plot twist:	8ish
Additional attractive women:	3
Final Score:	57ish out of 80

You are now probably thinking. So it wasn't that great of a movie then? Actually it was still pretty good. If there is one thing I have learned it is that there are exceptions to everything. Yes, according to my criteria it was an ok movie, but it was a comic book movie, and you actually don't even notice the lack of explosions. In fact, I had to google whether or not there were explosions in the movie, because I couldn't remember. So, because of these extra little tidbits of information we can add 10 bonus points to the score for it being a comic book film, and since I couldn't remember the lack of explosions we will just give that area a 7 for not being disappointing. Making the actual score 74 out of 80. Now time for me to defend my scores.

The Attractive Female Lead

This was actually a pretty good way of getting a higher score. They cast a girl with a very strangely shaped head to play the girl you think is going to be the female lead in the movie. So for the first 15 minutes after you see her you are thinking "Please don't be Wolverine's love interest in this movie! Pretty please!" Then you finally find out that she isn't, and the actual love interest looks even more attractive, because you have been praying that the other girl isn't the love interest. It is kind of how some people surround themselves with unattractive people so that they will look attractive in comparison. It is actually a pretty good idea.

The Masculine Male Lead

I don't even think I have to defend my score for this, but I will. Hugh Jackman is super ripped, and I have never seen so many veins popping out of a persons arm. Also, he is Hugh Jackman. As the Wolverine character, and an actor as a whole he is amazing! So he earns 15 points no questions asked.

Fight Sequences
There were freaking ninjas in this movie! Of course it gets a great score. The Japanese invented fight sequences. Before we saw Japanese cinema people were shooting revolvers and wrestling in mud. Thank you asians for teaching us the ways of good action movie fight scenes! The only problem with the fight sequences in this movie, and like most action movies, is that there weren't enough of them.

Explosions
Like I said earlier, there were no explosions in this movie, and it was still good. Only this movie could pull it off. I mean, if there were explosions that would be even better, but it was still fine without them. You didn't leave the theater thinking there should have been more explosions.

Humor
Marvel movies never really disappoint when it comes to humor. There are a few parts that stand out. One is in a commercial so I can tell you. It is when Wolverine throws a guy out of a window, and the girl is like "How did you know there was a pool" and he replies, "I didn't." The other one is in the train fight scene. I won't give that one away, but it was pretty funny. There are also just all of the funny things that Wolverine says. All in all I was happy with the humor in the film.

Awesome Cars
I really shouldn't have given such a high score for this, but I love the Audi R8. So even though there aren't really any other cool cars in this movie it still gets a 7, because I love that car.

A Good Plot Twist
You don't really see it coming. That is what I liked about it. It isn't a crazy reveal or anything, but you definitely wouldn't expect it given the information you are presented for the duration of the film. At least I didn't. If you did, then great for you.

Additional Attractive Women
There is a girl that looks a lot like Famke Janssen that works in the Sara Lee bread stored here in Orem. I think she is attractive, and I should probably consider asking her out. Why am I telling you this? Well the only additional attractive woman in this film is Famke. Well there is the blonde chick that works for the old asian dude. She is pretty hot I guess. I don't know. She didn't really stand out though. She was attractive, but she definitely was not my type. So I stand strong with the 3 out of 10 for this category.

So there you have it. All of the information you need to prepare to go to this film. Oh, and don't be an idiot when the movie ends. I can't tell you how many morons walked out of the theater once the credits started rolling. How on earth can people be so stupid? There is always going to be something after or during the credits. Even if there isn't something. Don't take the gamble. The ending credits scene nearly made me crap my pants. Now all I can think of is how on earth it is possible. So don't be a stupid moron idiot. Stay for the credits. You too will soil yourself.

UPDATE: There are actually explosions in the movie. I am just a total idiot and some how forgot about them.

One of Life's Lessons

I have learned a lot of things over the duration of my life. Some of those things include how to buy ice cream from a grocery store, that if you are tall you are going to hate washing your hair in a hotel shower, and that (Spoiler Alert) Santa Clause is really just a festively dressed drunk guy that sneaks into your house to steal your cookies and take a dump in your stocking. That isn't really coal my friends.

Today I learned yet another life lesson. I live in an apartment with a swamp cooler. For the past month the stupid thing has been squeaking, and it got to the point where I had completely tuned it out. Unfortunately for my roommate he didn't have the luxury of having that annoying noise tuned out. We had talked about filling out a maintenance report, but I am lazy and well yeah laziness always seems to win when it comes to mild annoyances. Anyway, so after a month of this squeaking noise the maintenance guy comes along, and notices that incessant squeaking coming from our swamp cooler. He gets some tools and spends about 20 minutes fixing it, and I didn't have to do anything. My point is that if you wait long enough eventually someone will come and fix your problems if you are too lazy to fix them. Sure, if you take care of your problems at the very beginning it is a lot faster, but how cool is it that you can just sit back and do nothing and eventually someone else will come fix everything for you? It is kinda like when a parent or sibling tells you to do a chore of some sort and you say that you will do it in a minute, but then that person gets impatient and does it instead. It is like the universe protects lazy people with people that do stuff. I can't tell you how many times in my life I just let things go until they work themselves out. Like this one time the garage door in my town home broke, because of an error in judgement and a lack of space to park in front of it. Because it was kind of awkward to tell the rental management that it happened we just let it go and dealt without a functioning garage door for the rest of the time we were there. Once moved out we got the entirety of our deposit back, and no one was the wiser. Something else that is kind of amazing is with food. If you go to some kind of social gathering where food is involved and just sit there without eating people will start offering to get you food. I am constantly amazed by the magic of doing nothing, and that is why I wanted to pass this on to you my readers. I believe that if we all start to do nothing and wait for the universe to unwind in our favor we will all die and the world will be a better place, because people are terrible and they ruin the world with their stupidity and freaking hashtags in front of words that are somewhat related to what they are talking about. I blame hashtags for the drop in intelligence and rise of teenage pregnancies in our modern world. It all started with Jersey Shore and The Hills and all of those other shows that are all dramatic and terrible. I am pretty sure that half of the human race is beginning to evolve backward. Their brains are getting smaller and their ability to fight a sabertooth tiger is increasing because of their 6 day a week training regiment. Anyway, I have to go get pizza now, because unlike those other people I turn caffeine and pizza into productivity and cool technology stuff.

Bye now!

Extremists, Not To Be Confused With Extremis

So to preface this post I need to tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a little boy whose one wish was to make everybody laugh. He knew that because of that wish some people would get offended, because the offensive jokes are the funniest ones. He also knew that he wasn't a person that actually believes the terrible, but funny, crap he says. Fast forward to the present, and he has made a reputation for being the funny fat guy that everyone knows. Maybe his jokes aren't G rated and unoffensive, but they are quite humorous even if a lot of people don't think so.

You guessed it. The little boy in that story is me. I enjoy making jokes that are racist, sexist, and all other kinds of ists. I don't do it to offend anyone, I don't do it because I hate minorities, or because I am a sexist pig. You are welcome to think that, but the truth is that I do it for the sake of a laugh and nothing else. If I can brighten another persons day by making fun of a homeless person or a quadriplegic trying to do any simple task then I am happy with that. I love it when people make fat people jokes. They are hilarious, and if you haven't noticed I am the fat guy king. I probably make fun of and laugh at more fat jokes at my own expense than anyone else. It is because laughter is the best medicine and I believe that if I laugh enough it might shake loose all of the fat, and I will be skinny. Ok not really. My mother had/has cancer, and my grandmother died from it. Guess what? I still laugh at cancer jokes. They are jokes, and they are hilarious. I don't take offense that someone jokes around about even though it is a serious problem that has affected my personal life. That is the way that people need to respond to humor. Not with anger, and a lot of debate over something that was meant to be a laugh. The only thing you are going to do is make yourself look like an idiot, because you couldn't laugh at a stereotype that isn't even necessarily true. Jokes are jokes people. Laugh at them. Don't get offended because you think you are being personally attacked. The truth is that you aren't.

What brought this up you might ask? Well I made a joke about women making sandwiches, and well...I don't think I have to tell you the rest. You know what? I think I will anyway. Someone commented on it saying something about gender equality, and then another person told them that they were stupid because it is just a joke, and blah blah blah. 45 comments later and I was feeling bad for the people that liked my status, because I am sure that they were getting notification after notification. It didn't help that it was past 1 am. I am pretty sure that everyone that either commented or liked the status was regretting it because of the argument that ensued on my post. What makes it worse is that later I was asked to remove said comments. Seriously? I believe in living with your mistakes, but as a favor for a friend I deleted the entire thread. Never again will I do this. If you are thinking about saying something on my post make sure that it is quick and witty, or that it isn't going to create a pointless argument that I am going to end up moderating, because you can't think of the consequences before you say something.

Now for my thoughts on gender equality the lighter fluid that helped ignite the fire that destroyed my post. I believe that women have every right to fight for equality in most things. There are a lot of things that are unfair about the way women are treated just because of their gender. But, just to be clear women are also women. Traditionally they have been the ones that stayed inside, did the cooking and cleaning, and raised the kids, We can't deny that it is in a woman's DNA to be able to do things like that. Women are incredibly skilled at multitasking. A skill that is necessary to be able to be a home maker. They are also very driven. Another skill that is required to be able to do something as unrewarding as housework. Men on the other hand have traditionally been the bread winners. They would go out and work all day, and then give in to their natural need to be lazy once they get home. I am not saying that is the way that it should be, but that is the way that it has been in the past. Now women are fighting against those gender roles, and that is great that they are trying to better their way of life. But by design they were created for child bearing, and with that there are certain things that they can just do out of instinct. Yes, with science catching up we may be growing children in farms like on The Matrix, and robots will be raising them like in Bicentennial Man, but until that actually happens women are still the only ones that can have children. Does that mean that they can't have a job, or do whatever else they are fighting for in this whole gender equality thing? Maybe, but you don't see me complaining that I can't get guys to buy me dinner every night in college, or that I can't get out of speeding tickets, or that I don't have a uterus. What it seems that women really want out of this whole feminist gender equality thing is all of the perks of being a man with none of the consequences. Sure it is great to be a guy, but it really isn't all it is cracked up to be. Honestly, if I could choose to be anything it would be dead. Then I wouldn't have to deal with all of these extremist people wanting things, but only wanting them enough to be annoying to everyone around them instead of actually doing something to make a difference. I can go around telling everyone that I am sick of everyone calling me fat, but then I go home and I eat pizza and drink soda. If I don't really do anything about it, then I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Don't get on social media sites to complain and argue about issues. That is like throwing a cotton ball at a rhino that is charging at you with the intent of making you its horn ornament. If you really believe that something needs to be done then either actually do something about it, or just shut up and let me make fun of you.

Why Commercials Came Way Before Their Time

I got cable somewhat recently. It is awesome. I have a lot of movie channels, and a bunch of not movie channels. Oh, and there is even on demand where I can watch stuff...on demand. Needless to say it is very nice to have a place, other than Netflix and Amazon, where I can't find anything to watch.  I think the one thing that would make Netflix and Amazon a lot like cable would be to have a random button. When you click it some random tv show or movie plays. That would help it somewhat resemble the aleatoric art that cable television is. With cable you never really know what is going to be on, but you can't exactly just turn the tv off, because you have to have something in the background to drown out the sounds of the voices in your head and the amorous neighbors upstairs. Well either they are amorous or they have kids that yell and throw crap on the ground and stomp around. I think it is nicer to assume that they are a happy, young, and energetic couple than a miserable child ridden hispanic couple. Not nicer, but it makes me want to kill them less when I think of it that way.  Seriously, it is like a midget rugby team is holding daily practices up there. The only thing that can cover it up is the blaring sound of Two and a Half Men, or whatever stupid show is playing while I am playing temple run on my phone because nothing is on.

While I am on the subject of having cable, a smart phone, and, in my case, a laptop I realized something. Commercials came way before their time. I was at a conference for work and they showed an infographic that showed the average household and the way everyone uses their devices. It is very common for people to do exactly what I am doing now. Watching tv, while doing something on their laptop, and pulling out their cell phone when their ADD really kicks in. Their point was to show the way consumers are interacting with their devices now. My point is that we are all crazy ADD with all of our crap. It is very true that a lot of people are on their laptop or on their phone or both while watching tv now. This is where commercials come in. If there something on that we are watching commercials allow us to indulge in our ADD 3 or 4 times every 30 minutes for 3ish minutes at a time. That way I can check my phone to see if someone has texted me, which they haven't, or if I have any new notifications on any of my social media accounts, which are just game invites, or I have gotten any emails, which are just spam. It doesn't really matter that nothing is there. I just have to check that crap. It is a finger addiction that goes clear to my brain. I know what you're thinking, some of the commercial breaks are gonna be for using the bathroom right? Ummm no. That is what a DVR is for. You hit the pause button while you use the bathroom. Don't have a DVR? Well I really doubt you have this problem, because if you don't have a DVR I doubt that you have a laptop or a smartphone...or a house without wheels on it. You pause the tv to conserve the commercials so you can feed your natural hunger for checking stuff and looking at memes.

So there you go. Commercials came way before their time, and now 72 years later we finally realize their purpose because of my genius insight. No need to thank me. Just pay it forward.

Ok bye now.