I'm a humor columnist Part II

Although it isn't march yet I have already written this article for the paper, and since you are my fans I will let you read the preview of it since I doubt very many people read the paper that these are in.

Enjoy!

It isn't every year that we get to celebrate March. Well, maybe it is, but it isn't every year that we get to celebrate March THIS year. It is the month of leprechauns, and getting pinched by people that aren't normally pinching you. In celebration of this month of magic green little people and memories of Lucky Charms commercials from the 90's, I would like to give you some advice so as to not get hoodwinked by a crafty miniature Irish wizard, maybe give you a chance to find the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, and find a four leaf clover amongst the less popular 3 and 5 leaf clovers that are somehow less lucky for seemingly no reason other than someone saying that they are lucky.

Tip #1 – Leprechauns Are Pretty Much Less Popular Elves

This is an important fact to remember if you are ever in a position with a leprechaun where you need some leverage. If he starts being all fancy with his limericks and funny accent, just give him a friendly reminder of how sad it must have been to be torn from his family at the North Pole and left to rot in Ireland with the drunk redheads and pygmies. He will try to act tough at first, but be persistent and he will completely lose his composure, and let down his guard and begin to cry. While his eyes are puffy and his vision is blurred slowly sneak up and steal his lucky charms. He is now powerless, and will instantaneously turn back into a wooden puppet. It is then safe to return him to Geppetto where he will be recycled and used to make peg legs for pirates. Be warned, if he is not successfully disarmed or you don't have enough backbone to make him cry, he will likely turn you into a really bloated donkey. Trust me, it is uncomfortable enough to be just a donkey. Add bloating to the mix and you basically have a donkey balloon, and that, my friends, is a balloon that not even a child is not going to hold on to.

Tip #2 – Finding A Pot Of Gold Is As Easy As 1, 2, 5

Something that they don't tell you in elementary is how to accomplish cold fusion. They also don't teach you that there really isn't a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. They do this because they are selfish. Be honest with yourself right now. If you knew where a pot of gold was would you tell a bunch of bratty kids about it? No, you would lie to them. That is why you never hear about people finding gold at the end of a rainbow. The first problem is that you can't find the end of a rainbow. Rainbows are really a bunch of raindrops that split light up into bands of color like prisms. When you move closer to a rainbow the angle of your vision in relation to the raindrops change making the rainbow still seem far away. The second problem is that pots don't occur naturally. Therefore, for a pot of gold to magically appear at the end of a rainbow that doesn't really have an end is just ridiculous. Also, there are various types of pots. For example, does the gold come in a crock pot, clay pot, a caldron kind of pot, a cooking pot, a pot-ato? It is a trick question my friends. It is a gold de-pot. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. The definition of depot is “a place for the storage of large quantities of equipment, food, or some other commodity.” Really you are looking for a buried treasure more than anything. So it becomes a hunt for gold. The word rain comes from Proto-Germanic rezna, and bows were invented by the end of the Upper Paleolithic Era, or the Old Stone Age as it is understood in Europe. The Proto-Germanic language has its roots in Northern Germany and The Netherlands above the Rhine River. So, the clues we get from separating the word rainbow into rain and bow are the Rhine River and the word stone. It just so happens that there is a famous rock formation on the eastern bank of the Rhine River near St. Goarshausen, Germany called Lorelei. This is where the depot of gold is hidden. You can thank me later. ;)

Tip #3 – Four Leaf Clovers Aren't Really Magic

Don't waste your time looking for a four leaf clover. They are very hard to find, and, spoiler alert, they aren't really magical or good luck. Trust me, I knew a kid that found a four leaf clover. From that day forward every time he went on a date he had uncontrollable gas. This led to people calling him flatulent Fred. Eventually the government learned of his problem and hired him to go on dates with Afghan women, and it became a new form of biological warfare. Unfortunately, Fred didn't make it home from his service. While on a date he became so flatulent that he asphyxiated himself, and everyone in the cafe, and died due to a lack of oxygen. The lesson here is that if you find a four leaf clover, your farts will likely be the end of you. My advice is to find an alternate means of good luck. For example, instead of breaking mirrors make them. Instead of walking under a ladder leap over it. And, instead of stepping on cracks in the sidewalk, go a day without pants. I dare you!

I'm a humor columnist.

Hey everybody, I haven't really told many people, but I am the humor columnist for an independent news paper. I don't get paid for it, but it is fun. Needless to say, I haven't posted the stuff I have written in my blog. So here is the first one I wrote, and then I will post the second one after this. Keep in mind this was for february.


Well ladies and gentleman it is that time of year again. No, not Black History Month...Well yes, that too, but it is almost Valentines Day. That glorious time of the year where millions of people around the America gather together by themselves, and celebrate how much they hate their fat bodies. It is a wonderful time for the economy. Where those happy couples buy each other pointless gifts that somehow signify how much they care for each other, and the single lonely folk rush to the super market to buy ice cream, and really anything else that will stop their heart from beating so that they can't feel the pain of being alone again this year. Ah, what a magical time of the year it truly is. To commemorate this time this wonderful holiday I would like to take a look back at how it all began.


Eons ago, when people were much less hygienic, there lived a man named Saint Valentine. (Well his name wasn't actually Saint, but I didn't care to find out what his first name was. It was probably something medieval sounding like Athalos or Merek.) Saint Valentine was a very affectionate man, and had his heart broken many times by the woman he stalked incessantly. If the word awkward was invented back then it would have been a perfect adjective to describe him. He was without question the type of guy that doesn't get the girl. But, as we all know, perseverance is key in making girls creeped out beyond control, and Saint Valentine did persevere. One night as he lie awake in his bed made of straw and manure, because that is what they slept in back then - basically a modern third world country without the minorities – he found himself deep in thought about the woman that he was in love with. The one that got away even though he used the square knot he learned in scouts. She was beautiful. The kind of girl that takes a bath at least once a month. She lived in the nice part of the village that isn't downwind of the rotting corpses and fowl smelling droppings from various animals. She was classy to say the least. How on earth could he win her heart, or at least kidnap her without being caught? It was while pondering this night that it hit him. This is medieval times-ish there has to be a witch that can cast a spell around here somewhere, and make her mine. The next morning he arose with purpose. He knew what he had to do, and there was a quest at hand. It was time to find this witch, and make Penelope Von Hildenbroth his forever. He packed his things, and hit the road. Fifteen minutes down the road he realized that in all the excitement he had forgotten pants. So he turned back to fetch them britches. Once he had clothed his bottom half he was really on his way.


Days passed, and kingdom after kingdom had turned up the same results. There was no witch to be found. He knew that time was scarce, because really Penelope had the choice of any guy in his kingdom, and she was probably going to be picking one of them soon. She was like 14, so she didn't have much time before she was married off. He doubled his efforts. He didn't stop to sleep, or eat. Well, unless he was really tired or hungry, then he would take a break. A week passed, and the weather was getting worse. His supplies were running low, and he only had a day of food before he would run out. He had to find the witch now, or he would freeze to death in the blizzard that was coming.


The blizzard hit harder than anyone expected, but Saint Valentine stayed strong. Over the ridge he could see what looked like a small cottage in the distance with smoke coming out of the chimney. This was where the witch lived. He barely had the strength to move at this point. Just a little further, and he could make Penelope his forever. Needless to say, Saint Valentine froze to death before he could make it to the cabin.


It is because of his willingness to give up everything for the one he loved that we remember him on this holiday. We also learn a valuable lesson from this story. No matter how hard a guy tries the only way he is going to get the girl is by magic. For example, if I had The ForceTM I would get girls left and right, because I would force them to be with me. See, it's a funny pun. But seriously people, I don't know anything about Saint Valentine other than he was probably a distant ancestor of the beloved character Skeeter Valentine from the Nickelodeon T.V. series Doug. That was a great show wasn't it? Yeah, good times, good times.


Happy Valentines Ervrybody!

The Shallow Justification...And Some Other Crap You Don't Have To Read

I would like to begin with an explanation. I am shallow. A very particular shallow that doesn't always make sense. I am not going to list every quality that I look for in a female, because honestly it wouldn't really make a difference. I will just put it this way. I am attracted to women that I am attracted to. Is that vague enough? I sure hope so. Now that I have prefaced this I am going to justify my shallowness.

I Jake, being fat of stature and single for a very long time, have found an answer to the question why am I single? It is simple really. I have never really been in a position where a woman that I am attracted to is really attracted to me. At least as far as I have been informed. This is due to a few things.

•  I have an incredibly ironic set of high standards when it comes to the way a girl looks for me to be attracted to her. 
• I tend to not pursue women until I think that they are interested in me, which is usually never.
• I am a very unique person with a very unique sense of humor of which certain females are not fond. 
• I come off as desperate, which is pretty accurate. 
• I tend to overuse humor, which may lead women to think that my personality has no depth.
• I am not very physically attractive. 
• Probably a lot of other things, but I am tired of thinking.

I am not going to discuss each of these things. I would just like to focus on the justification of being shallow. I feel that I am very intelligent. I may not be book smart, but I am definitely smarter than a lot of the people I know. Yes, take offense to that. I am probably talking about you. The problem with intelligence is that it doesn't often come with a very good physique. Picture the smartest person you know. He is probably very pale, and doesn't exactly have any sports trophies. Oh, and don't get offended because I said 'he' instead of 'they'. Yes, there are many intelligent women, but there are also a lot of women who pose in front of cameras with a duck face pose, and the smartest thing they know how to do is take a photo and upload it to some form of social media website with a crap load of hashtags in front of words that have some reference to something that they were doing while they were taking the picture. Sadly the women that I just described are also the same women that I am the most physically attracted to. This is where the justification of being shallow comes into play. I feel that because of my level of intelligence I should be with some moronic, yet incredibly hot, woman. It would balance out. My children would ideally get my intelligence and sense of humor, and mix with her amazing, and heart wrenching, level of attractiveness and aptitude for things that involve being outside for more than the time it takes to drive to work and or school. When it comes down to it, I am doing this all for my children. Whether natural selection is real, or just something that scientists made up to piss off the Christians, my children will be prepared. They will never know what it is like to go through high school just being the funny fat guy, or being the girl that never gets asked to prom. They won't live alone well into their 30's, and then buy a bunch of animals(cats) to suppress the amount of sadness they feel from being alone. They won't go through their life always wondering why attraction plays such a huge factor in their inability to fully enjoy life. Don't argue that a person doesn't need to have another person to validate their existence, because, though it is true that another person can't solve all of your problems, it is true that another person can help you find the part of yourself that is not capable of finding without them. I don't want my children to experience the void that is caused by feeling that they aren't capable of the feelings that are associated with romance. There is a magic that is present in a relationship that can't be synthesized or substituted. Why do you think everyone wants to be in love? It is for those reasons.

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I am not going to lie. I want to be in love. Am I desperate? Definitely, but why is it such a bad thing to want something that I have never had? I feel that I have every right to be so. I am sick of the way that I feel being alone. The biggest problem is that I have no clue what I am missing which makes me want it more. Every spark of romance that I have been a part of has been short lived. This has left me with an unquenchable thirst for romance that has yet to be satisfied. This, combined with my constant failure of romantic pursuits, has turned me from an outgoing and pleasant person to a complete introvert. The thought of relationships, and the fact that I am not in one, consumes my thoughts, and is completely destroying the person that I am or once was. Why am I writing this? Because I may be losing control, and because, I don't want to admit it, I am secretly hoping that some beautiful woman is going to read this and feel sorry enough for me that she will give me a chance. I have stayed sane this long by accepting that there are a lot of people older than I am that are in the same situation, but the question still remains. I am, or once was, a pleasant person with a great sense of humor, and I have many qualities that, I have been, told are desirable. So, why then can I not acquire that which I seek? There is obviously something wrong with me that people aren't telling me about for whatever reason. I am so sick of people sugar coating everything. I created a website asking for honest opinions of me, and I didn't get anywhere with it. It was completely anonymous. Yet, no one had anything productive to say on this subject. By the way, if you are reading this and you sent a message, this is really the answer I was looking for. I still appreciate your time though. It seems that I am in a 10+ year downward spiral that ends with insanity, and that the only hope that I foresee is some girl lowering her standards. It is really pathetic, but I am afraid it is true. It isn't like I am not fun to be around. People generally like to be around me, and though I am very sarcastic and probably come off as a chauvinist pig. I really do respect women, and hold them in the highest regard. I guess the real reason that I am writing this is due to the fact that I have no clue what to do. So if you have any thoughts concerning my dilemma, or you are gorgeous and secretly want to be with me. Go here and let me know either way. I prefer constructive advice. Not to be a jerk, but "hang in there" or "you really shouldn't be so dependent on another person" are examples of things that will likely just anger me. Ok, I am done now. 

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To sum up. I am shallow, but because I want what is best for my kids. I am desperate, and there is no changing that. And, this post did not go in the direction that I had originally intended. So, sorry for that everyone. All this loneliness is clouding the funny part of my brain. Ok, go away now. I have wasted enough of your time. Go to youtube and watch the monkey scratching his butt, and falling out of the tree. That is funny the first 5 times you watch it.