Why I Probably Need A Wife

So I may have mentioned this all before, but I feel like saying it again. You gotta problem with that? Here is the deal. I am naturally indecisive, and I naturally lack motivation. I am sure it is because of some psychological problem that stems from my childhood, but nonetheless it is a fact. So how do I get past those problems then? Well I will tell you. From my experience when a girl gives me attention I automatically begin to do things against my nature. For instance, I will start thinking ridiculous things like I need to start working out, and start eating better. Maybe I should stop playing video games as much as I do, and pick up a book. A lot of guys are like that, but after the attention wears off you are back at the same place you were. Eating fast food, sitting naked in a bean bag chair playing Call of Duty all night, and refusing to take a shower. So here is my solution to doing things that are good for me. Get married. Just like inanimate objects we are also subject to newtons laws. I have inertia of the mind as well as the body. Generally, until I am told to do a task the task doesn't exist in my mind. This is why there can be a pile of dishes in the sink, 3 bags of trash, and a baby playing with razor blades and a guy won't do anything about it. His mind is at rest. It is only until the screaming wife freaks out, and yells at him to fix those things that his mind and body can begin to move. It's all physics people. This is also why men can do a task that is seemingly mindless for hours. They were put in motion, and they haven't had an outside force to stop them. Obviously, some mindless tasks cause more inertia than others. Take watching tv or playing video games for instance. If a guy is doing one of those, and his wife is telling him to do something like take out the trash or change a diaper. That is pretty much the equivalent of stopping a semi truck going 50 mph with a kitten. That is why the wife in this instance has to start yelling at him. Slowly the kitten begins to turn into something big enough to cause that semi truck to stop. This is why there are so many more homeless men than women. They got stuck in that state of rest, and there was no woman to get him out of it. Is this making sense yet? Either way I think I am getting a little off track. My point is that I need someone who gives me motivation. Otherwise I will remain at my current state of mindlessness and bad habits. It is a bad place to be. I don't really feel like working, because any kind of work sucks pretty much. I would much rather be doing nothing than doing something. It is definitely easier, and what am I working for right now? To not be in debt? Well that is just stupid. I am gonna be in debt whether or not I work or decide to not work. I might as well be in debt while I am relaxing and not doing anything. Right? At least that is the way I feel. Now if there was another person involved to say "Jake, get your A** out of bed, and go to work. We need grocery money. Oh, and when you get off work we are going to the gym so you can lose all that fat you acquired over the span of your entire life!" Then I would have that outside force to act on me, and get me to do stuff. It is very simple. Yet, so incredibly complex for some reason. Hopefully now the women that read this can kind of understand men a little bit better. That way they understand that they have a very important role in the world, and maybe instead of getting angry when us guys don't do something. They will realize that role of importance and embrace it. Women are very essential in things getting done in this world, and they need to do their part and yell at their husbands and/or boyfriends to get up and do something. If you don't have a boyfriend I can think of at least one guy that needs a woman in his life (me). So get out there and do your part women!

Oh, before I end this I did have a thought today that I would like to share with the women reading this. If you find out that a guy is facebook stalking you please don't get creeped out. Guys are very precise when they are interested in something or someone. Watch a guy that is planning on buying some kind of electronic online. He looks at everything before he can make a decision. He will spend hours doing research on that product, and possible wait an entire month before he decides he is actually going to buy it. That is essentially what a guy is doing when he is facebook stalking you. He is trying to learn about you. Granted you have no idea that he is doing it, and this is a little creepy, but still be flattered that he is interested enough to be doing that research on you. Oh, and let's be honest here. It isn't like you make your photos public for no reason. "Oh, I just got back from the beach look at all these new pictures of me in a bikini." Don't even act like you didn't want a bunch of guys to be browsing through facebook, and come across those pictures of you. You want the attention just as bad as the nerdy guy with acne looking at your pictures genuinely wants to be your boyfriend. And that's all I have to say about that.

Later!

This is why I knew I didn't want to be an adult!

Remember that one time that I had a blog and I hadn't written in it for almost 2 months? Ok, seriously though. I am kinda upset with the fact that it has been so long. So let me update you on everything that is me. I got a job with that company that I did the drug screening for. Oh, sorry. For whom I did the drug screening (See my last post). So I was in training for 5 weeks, and things seemed great. Then I actually started the job, and I absolutely hated it. It was tech support. 'Nuff said. So the second I actually started doing real work there I started applications for other jobs. Needless to say that if you apply and send resumes to 50 different companies in the space of 2 weeks you will likely get some interviews. Well it only took 1 interview for a company to realize that I am amazing, and I had another job. Now I am an account manager at Boostability. It sounds great, but here is what I really do. I wake up at 6:45 am, which I never knew existed until last wednesday, but it is there. Ruining peoples lives and eating all their steak. Anyway, I have to be to work by 8. So I leave my place at about 7:35 am to get there on time. When I get there we have a short meeting, and then start calling clients. That is pretty much my entire job. I have a list of clients that I call every day, and once I have exhausted that list I am pretty much done with work. Once I am finished with everything I pretty much just sit around for a couple of hours doing nothing, and listening to my coworkers talk about Pokemon and Magic the Gathering. Or I sit and stare at the gorgeous receptionist, and imagine that she is my Pam Beesly and I am her Jim Halpert. I do this until 5pm when I clock out and go home. Then I get to start all over again. The reason I mention all of this is because I have realized something about myself. I hate having a job. My entire life philosophy is trying to live instead of being a robot that has a routine for 40 years, and essentially fast forwards their life to the point where they have devoted all their time to something for which they had no passion. I can't let my life come to this. I want to live every day, but even though I have only had my job for a week I am seeing myself start to adopt that routine work ethic. Where you long for the end of the day. Similar to the guy in prison longs for his life sentence to end. Only my prison is the cost of living. The weekend is really the only time you have for yourself, but even then it is gone by the time you realize that it was there. My point is that I want to live. As opposed to the people that just turn on autopilot at work, and try to find ways to make the time go by faster. It is just a waste of your already short life.
I love statistics. So here are some statistics about the amount of my time that is technically not really mine to live. There are 168 hours in a week. I am at work around 45 hours each week. I spend 6 hours and 15 minutes in preparation to be to work on time per week. I spend an additional hour and 40 minutes driving home from work per week. So I spend 52 hours and 55 minutes with work related time consumption. So in the average week I spend 31.527778% of my life with work. In addition if I got 8 hours of sleep each night that is an additional 33.33333% of the week spent asleep. Basically, 65% of my week is already spoken for. The other 35% is time that I have for myself. Honestly, I feel kinda ripped off. That means that I pretty much am only living 35% of my life. I don't feel like that is adequate. Is it just me that feels like they can't accept that as a reality? The sad part is that a lot of that 35% of time that is actually mine is spread around. So I can't even fully take advantage of it. I have about 5 hours when I get home before I need to go to bed to get a decent amount of sleep. In that 5 hours I have to eat something, possibly do laundry, go shopping for groceries, and whatever else is necessary. I am afraid that I only actually live a small percentage of my life, and that deeply concerns me, and I have an incredibly hard time accepting this information as a reality.
So the question now is how do I accomplish having a decent paying job that allows me to live my life? Honestly, I don't think it's possible. At least not from my observations. So basically the moral of this story is that we waste a lot of our lives, and really death is the only escape. Now that I have come to that conclusion I guess what I really want to say is goodbye cruel world. The time has come to end my mortal existence. No longer shall I be a slave to this world! Let it be written on my tombstone "He was a great guy...I guess...He whined a lot."

Ok, that is all.

Tune in next time when I will apparently be blogging from beyond the grave.