It was about 2 pm when I left the office of Teleperformance knowing that I had only until 2pm the next day to go to work med and have the urine test administered to me. At the time I didn't have to pee. My plan was to drink as much water as I could that evening to ensure that I would not have any problem doing my business into a cup the next day. Unfortunately, that wasn't exactly how it was going to play out.
5:15 pm August 30th, 2012
My thoughts had been racing. I had finally gotten a decent paying job, and was, basically, promised a promotion after 3 months. So excited was I, that the urge to pee came. My first thought was, "Well this is really convenient. Had it been 30 minutes earlier I would have been able to get the drug screening out of the way tonight. Oh well, I will drink, and make sure that I am ready to go tomorrow morning."
Night fell upon Utah Valley, and the clouds were beautifully illuminated by the glowing moon. The air was heavy, and the rain had brought about a wonderful smell from the earth. The silver lining around the clouds reminded me of the mucosa lining inside my bladder. It was time to drink (water) and play Call of Duty. As I sit there yelling at people, and insisting that I knew their mothers intimately, the hours passed and my bladder continued to fill.
1 am August 31st, 2012
I finally got gold camouflage for my P90. It was then time for me to turn off the lights, check facebook and twitter, and go to bed. Sleep overcame me.
9 am August 31st, 2012
The morning had arrived as swiftly as a black guy running from a carnivorous wild beast in the heart of Africa. I ate an apple, drank my last large gulp of water, and got ready. I could feel my bladder sending signals to my brain indicating that we were all go for the drug screening to take place at 1000 hours.
10am August 31st, 2012
I arrived at WorkMed in Orem. I approached the front desk and gave the receptionist my paperwork, and she gave me a clipboard with a form that I needed to fill out. As I looked around the room I felt the smell of blue collar workers tickle my nose. I knew why they were there, and they knew why I was there. I filled out my paperwork promptly and took it back to the receptionist. It was now time to play the waiting game.
15 minutes passed. Name after name had been called, and I couldn't help but notice how attractive the nurse was. Finally, I heard it. "Jake, we're ready for you." This nurse was hot. I can't think of any celebrities that she looked particularly similar too. So just imagine a really hot 5'5" brunette in scrubs, and that will probably be pretty close. I had noticed in the waiting room that I had to pee a little, and figured that I would have no problem. The nurse asked for my two forms of ID, gave me a cup, and said, "Make sure you fill it to this line. The more the better." I opened the door, and walked in. It was time.
2 minutes passed. Nothing. I could feel myself tensing up, and getting nervous, and my thoughts began to race. "Why wouldn't anything come out? I had to go right before I came in. It must be that hot nurse standing right outside the door. How awkward is that? Why do most light fixtures look suspiciously like boobs? Everyone can hear me doing my business. What kind of sick torturous person would make people do this in these conditions? What is the name of the actor that plays Captain Hook in the movie Hook? Come on just go already!
I heard the nurse. "Jacob, have you been able to go at all?"
"No. Not really. I need to go, but I think I just have stage fright." I replied.
"Ok, I will give you one more minute. Then if you can't go come out and drink some water."
"Ok."
That was the fastest minute of my life. Unfortunately, there was no urine. I now had to face everyone with an empty cup, and go to the water cooler. 8 cups of water later and I feel like crap. My stomach is waterlogged, and I am no closer to urinating. So I sit and wait praying that nature will take it's course as quickly as possible.
10 minutes pass, then 20. Still nothing. Doctors and nurses walking by start looking at me. I feel so helpless. Another 15 minutes passed. I begin to talk to my body. "Why can't you just pee already? I know you are in there pee. Don't be shy. I am not gonna hurt you. I am just gonna put some of you in a cup and give it to the hot nurse lady." Still nothing. I didn't expect my body to reply. I don't have the best relationship with it after all. It is like my body is a rebellious teenager. I tell it things like 'don't get fat', 'don't get sick', or 'be more attractive, and stop making rumbling noises when there are girls in the room because they probably think it's a fart, but it's really not', but it always does the opposite. For once I wish my body would just do what I say, but alas this was not the case.
11:30 am August 31st, 2012
"I have been here for an hour and a half, and still nothing. Ok, I should have done this an hour ago. i am going to Google 'how to make yourself pee'. Ok, there are a lot of different things. Drink a lot of water, drink something with caffeine, drink alcohol. Crap, these are all things that I would have to do before coming here. Wait...distract yourself? I can do that. There are games on my phone. I will just play one of them."
I opened up temple run, and began to play. "Sacre Bleu! What's this? 30 seconds into playing and I have to pee?" I was sure it was just a fluke, but the urge began to increase. I stopped playing, and put my phone in my pocket to go tell them I was ready. Upon putting my phone in my pocket the urge had gone. "It must have been a fluke", I thought. So I began to play again. Once more. I had to pee. What black magic was this? I again put my phone in my pocket, and it was gone. I did this 5 more times, and got to the point where I was doing the urine equivalent of prairie dogging it.
11:45 am August 31st, 2012
I get up and go around the corner to the urination station (haha rhyme). I approached the male nurse, thank goodness, and told him that I was ready. After a few minutes, there I was. Just me, and this stupid little plastic see through cup with a black line on it, but now I was ready. I don't know if you have had to do this before, but let me give you a little information. This cup is nowhere near big enough for you to completely pee in. So, what you have to do is pee into the cup at basically half speed, which is incredibly difficult when your bladder is full, and then stop the stream and aim it into the toilet. I know this now. I didn't exactly do enough preparation before I started peeing. I was too preoccupied with the fact that I actually had to pee to think about anything else. So there I was. Cup half full, and still going strong. Lucky for me there was no lid on the toilet, but there was still a seat, and no where close to set the cup. I was stuck. Somehow I had to set down the cup, and lift that seat. I don't want to get too graphic with details so I will spare you the particulars. After some "maneuvering" I finally set the cup down, lifted the seat, and finished my business. It was finally over, and I could leave. After washing my hands of course.
This experience has left me wondering a lot of things. The biggest question in my mind is why a cup? And, if they need to have it a cup, why not a really really big cup? There HAS to be a better, and easier, way to do that. There just has to. How about peeing into an IV type of bag? Then you can fill the whole thing up, and they can take what they need and throw the rest away, or drink it...or whatever they do with the remains. My point is that they need to figure out a better way to do a urine test. I am sure there are many people, like myself, that have had just terrible experiences with it. The very least they could do is not hire a super hot nurse to work at a place like that. That is just a recipe for awkward. Something else I have been thinking is how weird must it have been for the first person that had to do a urine test. I will just let you ponder that.
Later.
