Upon request from Louise Nygaard I am going to review not only the movie Thor, but also Fast Five. I will also dabble in a few other thoughts I have been thinking about. So on friday night I went to Stadium 8 and saw Thor. I must say, I went into this movie with very low expectations. This is good because the movie was way awesome, so it made it even better. I kinda thought that this new actor Chris Hemsworth (I had to google him, I wasn't sure of his name) would not do very well. You know how they get big muscly guys like the rock, or John Cena and they can't act? I mean it is good because you don't want some feminine guy playing a character that is suppose to be masculine, but at the same time the acting is not really noteworthy with a masculine guy. Anyway, I was actually quite impressed with this Chris guy. Was it because I had extremely low expectations about the movie and his ability to act? No one will ever know. What I do know is that I was thoroughly entertained for the whole movie. Unfortunately, I knew from the very beginning who the bad guy was gonna be. I felt it was kinda obvious, but maybe that is what they were going for. I am glad Natalie Portman was in the film. I am sorry, but I have thought she was hot since the new Star Wars movies came out. Against all the other nay sayers, I defended my position on her attractiveness. Also, to go back to this Chris Hemsworth guy, he was a very attractive male. I mean if I looked like that I would have no worries in life. Everyone would bask in the glow of my amazing looks. No longer would I have to wonder if females were attracted to me, on the down side I would have to worry about men being attracted to me...Back to the movie. It was quite action packed, which was awesome because action is very important in an action movie. I used action 3 times in that last sentence, is that wrong? I think not. Oh, there is this big black guy that guards the realm of Asgard, which is where Thor is from, and he not only guards that realm but can see everyone and everything in all the other realms. It led to some great jokes after the film, during the arduous walk to the car through the lobby and crowds of people. I had to look up the word arduous to make sure I was using it correctly. Some times I use words to make me sound smart when I really don't know if they work there. Usually if it sounds right in context I keep it. I love Bruce Willis, have you guys seen the Die Hard movies? They are great, I recommend seeing them if you haven't. If you are not comfortable renting them because they are rated R for Really Cool, then find out the next time they are coming on tv because they are worth the effort. Oh, Anthony Hopkins is in Thor too, he is the king of Asgard, just incase you were wondering. I think I have covered enough of Thor without giving anything away. So I will move on.
I have a slight annoyance I would like to address before I review Fast Five. The annoyance has to do with driving so I thought I would put it in the paragraph talking about a car movie. St. George has this problem where people insist on driving 5 below the speed limit. It is quite annoying, especially when everyone here does it. Literally every time I drive somewhere I get stuck behind someone going 5 under, and honestly it is selfish to go that slow on the road. If you want to do a selfless act every day, drive 5 over. People driving behind you will thank you in their prayers that night. I promise you that, because when you drive 5 under they are cursing you. I can only assume an opposite action would cause an opposite reaction. I am one of those people that drive 5 over, and it is because I care about other people. I can only imagine how long it takes people to get from one place to another when they drive that slow. Especially if they are taking residential roads. That means they are going 20 mph, I can roll faster than that. Yes, I said roll, there is no chance I could run that fast. Unless there was ice cream, for ice cream any thing is possible. I have ranted enough, if you want to hear more remarks on slow drivers in St. George go on a car ride with me, anger and sarcasm will be spewing out of my mouth. Fast Five was an ok movie, but this is with the assumption that it is a science fiction movie. I say this because laws of physics were constantly broken, and because technology that is not possible is used. I will explain. In the first scene of the movie The main characters are chasing down an inmate bus to help another main character escape. There are 3 cars chasing down the bus, and they get the bus swerving all over the road. The bus then begins a to skid sideways, the person in the front of the bus, driving some small sports car, then slams on the brakes. This causes the bus to hit into the car, which then sends the bus barrel rolling through the air. I am no rocket scientist, but there is no freaking way that is possible. If they were going for even somewhat realistic in this movie, they ruined that hope in the first scene. If this were a realistic movie, Paul Walker would be dead and I would be happy. A couple other impossibilities that stick out in my mind are at the end of the movie when they rip a 50,000 pound bank vault out of a concrete wall with two Dodge Charger police cars, by tow cables. After they accomplish this impossible feat they then drag it through the streets of Rio De Janeiro, Brazil crushing through buildings and cars. I am sorry, but as cool as it would be if that were possible, it is too ridiculous. They drag it around the streets like it is a bank vault made of hardened cheese wrapped in tin foil. Honestly, that would have been cooler, and I would have believed it. It also would have made me hungry, but that is beside the point. There is another part that has technology that isn't real, but is used in a lot of movies, but they take it a step further. The Feds are looking for the main characters, they get street footage of a old dodge challenger. They pause the footage, zoom in, enhance the image, but the people are wearing scarf things over their faces so that they won't be identified. But that was no problem because they had facial recognition software that can apparently read through a scarf over a persons face. They are then identified by the computer within seconds of the scan. First of all, if there is software that can enhance extremely pixelated photos facebook needs it. Way to many people have really pixelated photos in their photo albums, and I find that extremely annoying, especially when I am trying to facebook stalk and I can't tell who the person is or see their photo's clearly. Secondly, if there was facial recognition software like that, criminals would be reevaluating the way they rob convenience stores. Also, I don't really think I gave away the movie by giving away crucial plot points, it's not like any of these movies were really watched because of their plot. They are watched because people want to watch Vin Diesel, and The Rock in this movie, be total bad A's, to see awesome cars, and attractive women. If you are watching the Fast and Furious movies for plot there is something severely wrong with you. I don't throw the r word out very often, but you are retarded. No offense to actual mentally challenged people, but complete offense to the morons watching these films for plot. In the words of Michael Scott, "You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded." I hope this has been, at the very least, a mildly entertaining read for you, if not I don't really care, I was just trying to be nice.
